Once upon a time...

     I'm not one to give much relationship advice, unless someone is in an obviously bad relationship and needs reassuring that it's time to end it. Far too many of my friends have been in abusive, parasitic, or go-nowhere relationships. While I have not personally been in too many relationships of my own, I can at least say that a huge part of the reason why lies in the fact that I will not simply settle on what's in front of me or enter a relationship when I know I'm not ready to be in one. It was a hard lesson, but at least I haven't made that mistake a second time.

     I am very much NOT the person to give relationship advice, anyway. While I do miss the special (non-sexual) intimacy that comes with having a significant other, I find that I mostly appreciate being insignificant. I don't mind being depended on, but I loathe the expectations that come with it. I should admit, however, that much of this comes from the willful and utterly intentional promise of giving my all and then feeling, at times, that it's not enough. I know we can only do so much for another, but I often spread myself thin and wonder where do my needs begin and where hers end; whoever she may be at the time.

     It's partially a feeling of inadequacy and partially selfishness. Or maybe not selfishness, but that previously mentioned love of being insignificant. Sometimes I genuinely like being alone, unattended to, or unneeded. It's  like a paradox that hits me hard. Like running into a wall. I think the biggest doubt, sometimes, is in simply knowing that I built it myself. I love to love, but eventually find it overbearing and unnecessarily react as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders...because when I love someone, I love them wholly and want to give them perfection...even though I don't believe in such nonsense. I subconsciously make that my goal and then I fail. Or is the failure simply in making the attempt at giving more of myself than one can ever be? Yeah, that sounds about right.

     But as I said, I find a pleasure in insignificance. To quote Christopher Walken as Maximilliam Shreck in Batman Returns, "If my life has a meaning, that's demeaning." I've always loved that quote. I believe in it sincerely. We live, we die, and some believe repeat. I don't surely know about that last part, but I believe this much: more often than not, what one does in this life amounts to little. Life is meant to be lived for the joy of now and it need not be found living solely for another.

- Peace and Good Health to All.
- Ish

Oh my...

I don't always exorcize the demons... But when I do, I find myself a little out of shape. I sincerely feel like I ran a marathon last night. Where's some Icy Hot and a cold bottle of water when I need it?

In other news... I will likely be sleeping damn near all day. Zzzzzz

Um, hi.

I'm not quite sure what will be featured here. Eventually some of my old poetry will make it up. Maybe some random postings of interesting events, though I don't really do much. Vents, rants, etc. We'll see.