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Mental Illness

Mumford & Sons - I Will Wait

Rob Thomas - Lonely No More (Video)

"What if I was good to you? What if you were good to me?

What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me?
What if it was paradise? And what if we were symphonies?
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you?"

Spread The Word - Save Vaping

Shared from @notblowingsmokeorg (Instagram) -  If you have a #Twitter account, NOW is the time to start using it. If you wish to see a change in the grandfather date of the FDA deeming regulations, please consider posting the following 6 tweets.

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#notblowingsmoke #Regrann

Mixing Juices

So, I'm still vaping. I'm very happy about that. Now, my current goal is to continue weaning myself off of nicotine by adding less and less with each order. Depending on site availability, I'm down to 3 to 6 mg of nicotine in my juice.

Keyword: "Depending"

If a good sale is going on at a particular site, I'll get what I can. Then there's some sites that offer free samples, etc. When these assorted bottles get low and/or if I have one with more nicotine than I want, I start mixing. Nothing special, usually, but RIGHT NOW I'm vaping something that's tasting pretty damn good. It's Galactic Green Apple from Alternate Cig (about 20ml, give or take) (6mg nic.) mixed with Honeydew Melon from Vista Vapors (10ml) (0mg nic.) and uh, something. (Damn, I totally forgot the flavor. It was also from Vista Vapors.) (10ml) (0mg nic.)

It's actually pretty smooth and calm. Kinda relaxing.

In the grand scheme of things, I mix to even off the nicotine level and/or to empty the last few drips of a bottle, if my tank is full. (And sometimes to dull out a flavor I'm not really digging.)

Speaking of tanks, I'm currently using an Innokin iSub Apex...and this thing is fucking awesome. I'm not sure how I feel about sub ohm vaping yet, but there are 2 ohm coils available for it, so it's all good. It's a really great all-arounder. Clean coil change system, clean top-filling, and the new air flow system is really nice. I just wish it was bigger. (It holds 3ml.)

And I'm vaping this tank on an Innokin CooFire IV. 2000mah battery with variable voltage and wattage. 40 watts max and 7.5 volts max. Fairly simple and to the point with a really nice and comfortable physical design. Again, I'm very happy.

Keep vaping, Peeps.

Yuko Watanabe - Smooth Criminal (cover)

Rob Thomas - Lonely No More (Video)

GottaLoveAndroid HD

via IFTTT

The Doctor's Love

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The Message Should Be Obvious.... The Doctor's Love

Arctic Monkeys - Do I Wanna Know? (Official Video)

It deserves reposting...

The Cranberries - Linger

Goodbye?

The past two weeks have been a nightmare. We don't talk. Or rather, you don't reply. My words fell on deaf ears before, but not like this. For more than a moment, I thought... I believed things were changing for me. You made me feel so close to complete. I stood at the edge of oblivion and thought you were a light to guide me home. Instead, you blinded me just long enough for me to not see that I had already fallen. I don't know what I did to deserve that. Did I wrong you in a past life? For the briefest moment, I thought maybe you'd catch me for a change, but no... That was only a dream. Even now, I'm still reaching for you, knowing you're not there.

I don't think it matters any more. If I died tonight, I'd smile, knowing it's finally over.

Truthfully, even while hurting, I can't do anything less than love you.

You'll always have a piece of me.

But that piece is my foundation.

Without it... I can only crumble.

GnR - Oh My God

Ran off the road...

So, some asshat cut me off today and ran me clear off the road. Thankfully, I didn't hit anything. I couldn't help but to think of this when it happened.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that. It's just one of many things that sucked today. And "sucked" is putting today lightly. I'm trying not to be a...certain person today.

Another New Project to try...

I found the tattered folder of my old poetry. I've had quite a bit of writer's block for years and just gave up. However, in lieu of the writer's block, I think I'm going to try to convert all these old poems (regardless of how bad most of them are) into digital form. As I do, I'll share some of the better ones.

Mind you... "Better" doesn't necessarily mean "Good."

"We're the ones who still believe..."

"Silently reflection turns my world to stone
Patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm a travel man
But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing"

The Killers - Tranquilize Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Proud Atheist

"Use To Be" (Old Poetry)

I'm fairly certain that this was initially meant to be a song. Call it a hunch.

We're as ghosts to her
Like Some Bad Dream
The loudest whisper
Her quiet scream

Ink on the walls
Blood on the paper
Crying for help
With no one to save her

And I tried (3x)
To take her higher

But she wasn't there for her
And I wasn't there for me
Pictures can now only show
Shadows of what we use to be

A life of love forgotten
Or maybe denied from the start
Solitude and ignorance
Always drain the bleeding heart

She was alone in the crowd
When we ignored the signs
Tired of it all
Her razor drew the line

And I tried (3x)
To take her higher

But she wasn't there for her
And I wasn't there for me
Blood can now only show
Stains of what we use to be

Always

Through thick and thin.
For better or for worse.
At your side or as you shield.
Until there's nothing left...

Things I couldn't say... (re: Are you alright?)

Honestly? No, not really. I am getting better, but it feels like I'm loosing my grip on anything important to me anymore. Home doesn't feel like home. Well, to be honest, it never did, but it feels colder. Lack of work is making me feel more fucking worthless with each passing day. Local friends are looking less and less worth the effort lately. (Though, I barely have any to begin with.) It legitimately feels like there's cracks and drifts in all my relationships with people.

Now include the fact that the program that lets me go to school, while looking for work, just dropped me. So now I'm loosing some of my extra benefits AND have to stop going to school regularly. I pretty much have to research and train myself, so I can go back for testing now.

And the mornings... They're the worse. It's a struggle to get out of bed sometimes. Even today... I got up, but all I could think about was crawling back into bed, after I wrote this. I actually wrote this a week ago, in response to a message from a close someone, but I keep editing it, instead sending. I just don't want to "be" some days.

I need to find something new; some worthwhile improvement. Cause I'm starting to feel like I'm sliding back into a dark place and I don't know how I'd crawl out of that again.

--

Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days

The Cruxshadows - Even angels fall

Ignore the pentagrams... the video's creator obviously had no notion of what the band is about.

The Dreaming - Crawl (Acoustic)

Simple Minds - Don't You (Forget About Me)

Still Remains Lyrics

Stone Temple Pilots - Creep (Official Video)

Writing, House of Cards (poetry)

I use to write... a lot. A LOT. Mostly poetry and mostly bad, though I've had a few here and there that I felt were pretty good. I recently found my old folders of poetry, while cleaning in the basement. I'm considering gathering what's left together and typing them all up; a little at a time, of course. I some of the better ones MIGHT be already, but I'd like to have them all together one day, even the ones that suck. I've included one of my favorites below and it's link to my old Deviant Art profile. Nothing special there... I barely ever used it.

"House Of Cards" by MdKnight (my old pen name)

For those who don't care to follow the link...

House of Cards
by MdKnight

started over
slate uncleaned
strong foundation
so it seemed

future secure
future bright
could not see
try as i might

lied to self
before we parted
future shattered
before it started

tears like rivers
voiceless cries
never succeed
lost the prize

All too quiet
not a sound
another "would be"
crumbled down

the most romantic line i've ever heard..

Quote C.S. Lewis

“Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”

- C.S. Lewis

Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man

Sometimes I forget my age... Some of the past. Old names and their meanings.

Let us go way back to Myspace. I think, in those days, I had some of the most creative names and online aliases. Some just "sounded cool," while others had deep, personal meanings. One of them has recently come to mind, though I'm not sure why. However, I remember some of its meanings and how they still will relate today.

The name? "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man." Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful. Some Myspace names were like that back then. I couldn't tell you what goes on there now.

During the time when I chose that name, I lost some good friends, in various manners. It also was feeling quite down on myself for a lot of little and not so little things; my weight, loneliness, that loss of friends, go-nowhere job, and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Some of those feelings still haunt me, but at the same time, they provide a degree of strength.

I was a...

• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who never could find fulfillment in the people around him. More often than not... I still can't.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who just wanted to be left alone. Many times, I still do.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who hated what he was and what be became when he tried to change. This time around, I'm much happier with who I am. Usually.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who longed for something he could not have. Again, I've moved on past this. In fact, I've found something better. #Cupcake

If that said, I'll hold on to "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man" because I like to think I held on to the better half. The half that grew into someone better. The half that got to be alone and found his peace. And the half that wanted more and found it. I've broken a few mirrors in my time, but what's left of them will still show the better half of a man-made better... Even if I don't always feel like it.

Fear

I do not fear Death. I repeat, I do not fear Death. I do, however, have some fears that hunt me from time to time. Generally, I keep them to myself, but since they've been disturbing my sleep cycle lately, I thought I'd share them and see if letting that out helps any.

My fears are few, but they are just strong enough to stab at my happiness from time to time. And they include:

• Flying
• Drowning
• Loosing touch with myself
• Loosing touch with the people who matter
• Evil fucking bugs that jump or have way too many legs

Flying/Drowning

I can not swim. I can not float. And I sure as hell can not hold my breath for very long. Flying is not the most peachy idea for me, either, but it's flying over water that really gets to me. I have yet to actually fly, but if I ever do, I would rather fly over land, so that if there is a crash, at least it's been a quick death on impact and not a slow surviving few moments before drowning in the ocean. Serious, there's only one thing will have me flying, if I can avoid it, and she knows who she is. (I swear, she's in every other post, but I love her, so it's all good.)

Loosing Touch With Myself

I like to think I am a mix of modern and old fashioned. I have many modern views, but hold to them with some very old fashioned standards. Many of the views I hold stem from various developing beliefs or experiences. One of my biggest fears is forgetting who I am and why. For instance, I love to help people, but we humans are horrible, horrible lifeforms some times. It is a test of patience to keep calm and patient with people. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the verge of forgetting who I am and reverting to the old me; the anger-filled and semi-violent me. The me without a care in the world. The self-serving asshole with an agenda within and agenda. I hated that me and I would like to consider him dead and buried.

Loosing Touch With The People Who Matter

This is another big fear of mine. Becoming who I am and staying me is not done without a special few people in my life and some who left it. Yes, some people have helped me by leaving. However, no one is perfect and even some of these people test me in ways that make me want to turn around and walk away some times. They're mostly good people at heart, but even good people can be self-serving hypocrites or benders of the truth; like those with shaky loyalties or "adaptable morals." In hindsight, maybe loosing some of these people would not be such a bad thing after all. Maybe some people really do serve a purpose and need to move on. Maybe I should move on.

Evil Fucking Bugs That Jump Or Have Way Too Many Legs

I use to love my scorpions and tarantulas, but that's where I draw the line. If it has more than eight legs or jumps...it must be killed with fire. Centipedes and millipedes are the closest thing to the devil this word has. And bugs, like spider-crickets, are their evil minions. There are few things worse than waking up to a centipede or millipede just a few feet from your head on wall and then to have a spider-cricket jump at you out of nowhere, when you try to dispatch the centi/milli-pede monstrosity from Hell. Fuck that.

That is all.

UPDATE

Finally got in touch with the friend I posted about on Tuesday. Things were bad, but not as bad as I feared. My apologies to anyone I may have been cold or distant towards, during the past week. I don't express being upset very well. I know I come off as an asshole and that's pretty much because I am...

But I'm trying to be better.

I can be selfish, too...

I am not blind to my own selfishness.

I know full well how much of what I do for others is more for me.

I understand how I've let others down by not fulfilling my own potential.

I have witnessed my own relationships bleed out because of my impatience with others.

I have bathed in the flame of my own disillusion because it was easier than explaining myself.

And I have fought with others who had seen through my own single-mindedness.

New Blog Feature....

I often find myself asking friends for ideas and suggestions for blog entry subjects, but I rarely get a response to my question. Now, I don't know if I have any regular readers, but I've added a gadget (Blogger Only) to allow visitors to message me directly with comments or suggestions. I hope it allows me the opportunity to blog more often and answer questions. Generally, I am an open book and there are only a few subjects that I cannot or will not respond to.

So... It's there on the right-hand side of the blog (Blogger Only) and anyone and everyone is welcome to make suggestions. Adios!

Getting to know you... Getting to know all about you...

Yes, I actually sang that while typing the title. There's some significance to it, though. I'm the type of person who thinks often about my previous mistakes, associations, relationships, and everything in between. With things as they are lately, I've been thinking more about previous relationships, why they didn't work out, and how to make sure this current thing is something that lasts.

So...back to that title. Yes, it's "Getting to know you" by Bing Crosby. And I believe that NOT doing as that song says is the number one reason why my previous relationships didn't work out. One was a raging alcoholic and I didn't take the time to learn about her to know that beforehand. Another was... ugh, she was something special. All the potential to be intelligent held back by levels of naivete that just boggle the mind. Kinda wish I knew that sooner, too.

Thankfully, that isn't likely to happen with my Cupcake. Because of the distance between us right now, she have plenty of time to get to know each other (hint, hint), while I prepare for the future. That's plenty of time to let each other know what irks us (hint, hint), what we expect from each other (hint, hint), and...well, I was going to say each other's little secrets, but we got that one down packed. (LOFL)

So there it is. We're both troubled in some ways for not being able to be together right this minute, but I WILL be taking advantage of the time and using it to OUR mutual advantage.

Now, I'm no old man yet, I think. I'm 36 years old and am willing to share my experiences and point of view on a few things; especially if it helps others. So remember this post and if you're single, then remember to get to know a person before trying to plant your ass somewhere it doesn't belong.

Peace and good health to anyone who's reading.

Changes...

Change. It can be a frightening thing for many people. I've never been a big fan of change. However, soon I will embrace it.

I am not happy. Home doesn't not feel like home. I've been growing more and more distant from friends; to the point where I only have two, locally. I can't find a job to save my life here. And I really just feel empty and unmotivated anymore.

Motivation is an important thing for me. I'm lazy. There's no way around that description. I have, however, found a new, loving motivator; my Cupcake. With just a few words from her I've been able to put down the cigarettes. With just a few thoughts of her, nightmares fade and I sleep like a baby. So for her, I will embrace change.

With everything going nowhere locally, I'm ready to move on, but only if with or for her. So I have made the decision... My new goal in bettering myself is to leave this place. I plan to turn my back on New Jersey and find myself elsewhere. I already know where the goal location is, but in the interest of keeping at least some things private...I won't say where. Not yet, anyway.

I can't set a specific date, yet, but I'm considering the proverbial countdown begun. It might be a while, but I'm coming, Cupcake.

Another dreadful feeling...

Very recently, I lost touch with a close friend. For her privacy/protection, I won't mention her name, but she has had a rough time with life and it's gotten her into some trouble over the years. Honestly, I do not know her whole story. I can only say that I have been proud to call her a friend and equally as proud to be someone she knew she can turn to. I love her dearly and consider her a little sister.

Apparently, she got into some sort of trouble and her last, public, post simply stated so and that she would be unreachable. I replied that, as a friend, I'd be waiting for her return and for her to not be a stranger. Within days, ALL of her social media accounts (that I'm aware of) have since been deleted.

I don't know what has happened and can only wish her well. She's shared quite a bit with me over the past year and I have a strong understanding of some of the hell she's been through. With that knowledge and the current events...I'm frightened for her. Especially after the cold and ominous message I finally received in reply that stated, "Yep, she ain't ever coming back."

(Forgot to screenshot it, but I was immediately blocked or the account deleted anyway.)

I hope to catch up with her again one day. More so, I hope that she is well...soon.

She is a younger friend and I've tried very hard to be a mentor and guide for her; especially since, it seems, too often, that no one else will. I have the proud knowledge of being told, in her own words, that she looked to me as a big brother and sometimes a father figure; to the point of her claiming that if not for me, she may not have been here as long as she has. She is like a sister to me and I miss her dearly, already.

I feel as though I have failed her. As though there was something more I could have done. I'm probably being hard on myself, but someone needs to be. This world is failing this girl and we all owe her our hands and help.

If you ever come across this, know that I'm still here for you.

My friend and sister, you will be in my thoughts.

Jersey will be my past...

EDIT: Ok, this post turned into more of a letter. My bad.

The title says it all. I have a new goal in life and I WILL see it through. It will, however, take some time. It's a big move and a big chance for me. It doesn't help that I've been out of work for a while, but I won't let that be an excuse to fail. I can't fail anyway. I've got the supreme motivator on my side... My Cupcake. Yup; her again.

Not that I needed any more motivation, as I was already planning to do this, but actually saying it to her and pointing out some of the roadblocks ahead makes it seem more like a step forward and less like a pipe dream.

Speaking of dreams... I wonder what tonight's dreams will hold. I often speak of not remembering my dreams, but in truth, I've been dreaming of her every night since February. More often than not, it's just some subtle romance, but you can never know.

Cupcake, if you're reading this, I love you. I can't set a date, yet, but Ishy's coming for you. Nobody and nothing will get in my way. If you believe in nothing else... Believe in me.

Love you, Cupcake

PS
Seems like we have tonight's conversation every now and again, huh? ;-P

Still Remains Lyrics by Stone Temple Pilots (Lyrics Video)

An old favorite of mine...

Almost A Full Week Smoke-Free

Late evening, Friday, June 26, 2015, I smoked what should be my last cigarette. Much of life is about motivation. Motivation is something I lack... severely. So, while having a few beers with my friend, Rick, I got onto Snapchat and snapped a picture of my cigarette and asked for some motivation.

And Motivation is exactly what I got...from a very special source. It's not much of a secret that I have a special someone in my life, who I only refer to as Cupcake, that I am very fond of. Snapchat is our chatting tool of choice and, of course, she responded to my public snap. It was short, sweet, and right to the point. She gave me my motivation and I didn't even need to be bribed. ;-)

That's it. That's all I needed. Oh, I'm sorry... Did you think I was going to show her face? Nah. That would defeat the purpose of hiding her name, Silly. Jokes aside, I've been doing very well with quitting. I've switched to vaping to start weaning myself off of nicotine, while immediately cutting out all that other crap they put into them any more. So I thought I'd post a progress report. The two images, below, should say it all, really.

 

As you can see, the initial health improvements that come from quitting are going just fine. On top of that, my initial investment in vaping will pay for itself by tomorrow. AND, by then, I'll have avoided 100 cigarettes. Feels like it should be more, but that's still great.

Here's to more time without smoking, being there when Cupcake needs me, and saving money... Because that's always... ALWAYS... nice, too.

My Atheism, Science, Ghosts, and the Soul...

I'm occasionally asked about my opinion on religion or to explain my atheism. Before I explain my own, personal, beliefs... Let me include these two short lists.

Atheism is NOT...

• Atheism is NOT a hatred of "God"
• Atheism is NOT a rebellion against "God" or Religion
• Atheism is NOT a Religion of its own making
• Atheism is NOT the Absence of Conscience

Religion is NOT or DOES NOT...

• Religion DOES NOT provide a provable or even probable explanation to any naturally occurring event found in existence today or ever.
• Religion IS NOT a compass for moral integrity
• Religion DOES NOT provide a reasonable outlook upon the world for the ethical treatment of our fellow men, woman, children, or the Earth itself
• RELIGION DOES NOT have the ability to defend itself against its own fallacies or contradictions

For me, Atheism is simply the ability to live life independently of (any) religion. It is the ability to do what is right simply because it is right and not for the benefit of following stigmatic dogma or socially accepted expectations. 

With that said, I'll move on to both Science and the Soul. I do not believe that believing in one automatically excludes the other from your life. On the contrary, I believe that Science may one day explain the Soul. I also believe that Einstein already touched upon it. After a little bit of research, this idea (which I'll explain in a little more detail momentarily), I formed my opinions and personal beliefs around some of Einstein's. I won't pretend to have researched enough to know that all of the quotes I found were genuinely his and, therefore, I will not share them. What I will share, however, are the beliefs that I, myself, hold.

Yes, I believe there is a Soul. However, I do not believe it is quite the same as what most religions preach. It is a known fact that our minds can be defined and described quite literally as a set of electrical impulses that flow through our Nervous System. That mind is that one thing that genuinely sets us all apart from each other and is what I would consider the Soul. Now, keep in mind (no pun intended) that our minds are ELECTRICAL impulses. Electricity is a form of energy. As we know, or have yet to disprove, energy CAN NOT be destroyed; it can only change form. So, when we find ourselves departed, what happens to that energy? If it can not be destroyed, then it has changed form as all energy does. Who is to say that we have discovered all the existing forms of energy? Our bodies eventually can no longer support our minds; we die and the energy is released. If there is an Afterlife, I believe it is whatever the mind/soul experiences in its new form.

Do you believe in Ghosts? I do. I do and it is because this theory brings another to point to be made. If our bodies are holding in this energy, then our bodies are natural, biological conductors and storage mediums. Let that sit a moment and remember that different forms of energy can be measured in various frequencies and wavelengths. I believe that we many consider to be "ghosts" are the residual (whether conscious or not) energies of those who have passed on before us. Our bodies must operate at a very specific frequency or other spectral measurement to contain our Souls. I think that people who see ghosts are individuals who have physically passed through the residual or conscious energies of another, whose energies may have been of a similar frequency of the living individual who experienced the phenomenon.

One final thought... for the sake of argument. Who is to say that some of these energies can not be collected or otherwise accumulated? Dancing more in the terms of fiction... who is to say that a conscious energy can not collect or otherwise empower it's self with the residual energies around it? And if so...if this being can become stronger in doing so, could it manifest itself more properly to those of us still live? Would there be a limit to the power it can manifest? If these were to be proven real, could these "ghosts" become "demons?"

Yes. My beliefs come with questions. That is a good thing. Without questions, we have no learning.

Ishy's Misadventures: Bare-assed

Ishy Note: I have a HORRIBLE sense of time, so I can't give dates to the stories I sharing under "Ishy's Misadventures." I promise they're always true, though I'll only share the best of them, so there aren't too many. I'm just going to share one at random here and there.

Ishy's Misadventures: Bare-Assed

The title says it all...mostly. A few years ago, I use to party in Greenwich, New Jersey. Sadly, things have happened since, so I no longer associate with that group of people, but here's one of the semi-funnier stories from those nights.

So there was a time in my life where just the right amount of alcohol mixed with a serving of bad ideas, a hint of suggestion, and a whole lot of 2Shizzied...served with ice...would bring out some of those Ishy moments that I wish either never happened or at least blacked out from memory. This particular event would involve half a case of Natural Ice (yeah, it was bad) and miscellaneous rums or vodka. (Note: Don't try this at home, kids.)

Some time, in the middle of the night, the party broke into it's usual separate groups and micro-cliques. And I, being the Social Mothra that I am, would swoop down from group to group to terrorize the titties, uh, I mean people. In my defense, half the girls we hung out with, at the time, would whip them out at the drop of a dime anyway, so I was just trying to make sure that I motorboat'ed, I mean... "made" the most of the show(s).

Anyway, somewhere in my drunken rage, I decided that (after some subtle suggestion from a friend) it would be a GREAT idea to climb to the top of this tall antennae on the property. I got maybe three quarters of the way up before the party noticed and warned me down. I didn't want to come down, but they insisted and I'm nice like that, so I dropped down to the roof of their garage, where we often hang out on anyway.

While there, I came to an epiphany..."they should all kiss my ass." You're probably asking how I would get that going with so many people around...and you'd be right to ask. It was simple, really. I yelled out at the top of my lungs for their attention and waited until the whole party was ready...and immediately mooned the entire party in one shot. I'm talented like that. However, there is one talent that I do not have...balance! As I turned to laugh, pulling my pants up, I slipped and landed bare-assed down the roof's slanted top.

I still remember the feeling of sliding down that rough, shingled rooftop...and the landing after I slid clean off the edge; barely missing my friend's wife's car. It... It wasn't fun. Not at all. I could barely sit or walk right for a couple of days and it would be months before they left me forget it.

Moral of the Story:

1. Watch how much you drink.
2. Don't listen to your idiot friends.
3. Don't climb things you shouldn't.
4. Mooning isn't always funny.
5. Neither is falling off the roof.
6. Ishy4Shizzy gets a little 2Shizzy sometimes.

Stephen King is mastermind.

I feel like I'm breaking...

I'm really not feeling life right now. It just seems like every aspect of life that I have been looking at lately is breaking or broken... Fading away or wasn't there to begin with. Health? Crap. Education? Too late. Work? What work? Relationships? Strained at best, in most cases. Even with friends, I feel alone; like I'm just following the routine.

Then there's another feeling... This dreadful emptiness. I can't even properly express it. I don't know where it comes from. I felt it before, but I thought it was long gone. My eyes tear up for no apparent reason and I just want to lay down, sleep, and never wake. And the worst part? I no longer have the motivation to know why or fix it.

Only one thing really makes me feel more complete anymore, but it's not fair for me to interrupt her living her life right now. And she so far away, anyway.

And there's my back. It's acting up again. Pretty badly at that. It hurts to stand, walk, sit, lay down, even to breathe in too deeply. I'm pretty sure it's just a sprain, but it's really putting a wedge into trying to move on past these other feelings.

I don't know anymore. I've been holding this in for a while now. I just needed to get it out before it's too late to think about it. I just don't know...

Invigorated...

Coming soon... "Ishy's Misadventures"

Just a reoccurring subject for posts sharing some of my more entertaining misadventures.

Sisters...

Some friends may not be aware of this, but I have seven siblings. With this post, if you've read the title, I'll be concentrating on my sisters; of which there are four. I won't mention names, but the oldest of them just finished her BSW and is on her way to doing well for herself. The next is finishing high school and is a new mother. I have my reservations about that, but what's done is done and my job now, as her brother, is to be supportive when she needs me.

Next, I've been going in age order from oldest to youngest, is the black sheep. I don't personally hold her to that, but that's the role she's been given. It's a shame. Underneath her rough exterior, she's got quite a heart in her, but when she tries to show it, she's shunned for stepping out of character by those who shouldn't matter and the ones who should matter most treat her like her softer side is just a charade. One day, she'll get to break out of her shell and I plan on being there to welcome her to the world.

The last one is the "baby." Mind you, she's in high school (and doing VERY well), but she's the youngest and will always be the baby of the family. She's the natural sweetheart, but she's not the angel she tries to be. Then again, who is? I certainly am not. If you knew what I don't type, you'd probably never read my thoughts again.

The funniest thing about these four sisters is their distinct personalities. And the changes in those personalities as individuals over the years. Because of the distance between us (we live in different states), I haven't been part much of a part of their lives as I would like to have been, but it's been a pleasure to watch them grow up and become whoever they decide to become.

Girls, if you come across my blog, just know that I love you all and I'm proud to call you my sisters.

Staind - Something To Remind You (Lyrics)

Of Monsters and Men - Human (Official Lyric Video)

Words

Some of my biggest problems can be solved with just a few words. That's what she does for me. She gives me meaning. She gives me hope. And she soothes my heartache with just a smile. Our NOT being together involves words that I can not share... Not even here. However, one day... One day...

Until then...

And afterward...

She is my world and I will not live without her...

And so, I will keep waiting...

She's worth the wait.




PS
AGDLR... that... that is a lot of initials.

...

Speechless.

Dumbstruck.

Inexpressible.

Shattered.

Heartbroken.

Destroyed.

Broken

Alone.

Dead. Slow, torturous death.

Coming soon...

Friday nights... What they mean to me.

Thanks Obama - Shaving

via IFTTT

Singular Focus/Obsession/Love

In terms of socialization, what is the difference between "Singular Focus," "Obsession," and "Love?" Seriously... How do we know the difference? And can either really be considered wrong? I hold a special someone in mind nearly every conceivable moment I can recall. Keep in mind that while we've both confessed a mutual love for one another, we are very far apart and can not truly be together at the moment. So perhaps it's simply the longing in the distance that keeps her there. Not to say that it isn't Love... That much, I assure you it is. I suppose that's just my way of claiming it isn't obsession, which I feel has a very negative connotation. Either way, really, I can't get her out of my thoughts... And I don't want to.

I'll keep waiting.

Selfishness

I have this poor trait that I really despise about myself. Selfishness. Not selfishness in all things, but in one particular area of my life that I hate admitting to. In a relationship, I am a mix of old fashioned and modern. I believe in loyalty and doing as much together as possible, but also in giving each other personal space and freedom to have our own friends and social outings. However, there's a quiet part of me that I keep to myself. When I'm in love, I give all of me to her. So when she's not around, a part of me is gone until she comes back. While it's gone, I silently and privately scratch away at myself (mentally) with each moment I'm not a part of her moments. It's not that I don't trust the woman I'm with at the time or that I suspect anything wrong is happening. It's selfishness. I quietly loathe the moments she's away. I don't like to share, even though I'm sharing the world with her. But I keep it to myself because she IS my world. I only live here.

Am I a hypocrite? Loneliness... Not so overrated?

Yes, I can be a hypocrite. Or maybe there's an exception to every rule. Or maybe it's just another one of those "live and learn" changes we all go through. I've said, in the past, that don't mind loneliness. Or least that I prefer it over the feeling of being depended on in a relationship. Maybe I was still hurt from the last one. I don't think so. I think perhaps I just found that "exception to every rule." I think about a special someone nearly every moment within every moment. I simply can't imagine things without her. The love is mutual, though I doubt she obsesses over me like I do her. In my defense, we're very far from each other. I don't mind time apart, but the distance... It's a killer.

Not enough to shake my faith in making a future work or to stop me from making life changes and sacrifices for that future, but enough to make me wish I was someone different... someone better... sooner. I know it's not healthy to beat one's self up over such unrealistic wishing, but it's just that; a little wish I can move on from. That's not to say that I can move on from her, just that I'm strong enough not to dwell too much on how things aren't; even if just barely so.

One day, though...

If she'll still have me, when things are better...

I'll be waiting...

Always waiting...

Changing pace...

Potentially going to completely change the focus of this account to compliment an upcoming project. Not that it matters… I have no followers.

Long distance...

The hardest part of a long distance relationship (regardless of the type of relationship) is the waiting. Waiting to hear. Waiting to see. Waiting to know. Sometimes, waiting to wait.

It's like torture for some. That's probably why they rarely work. Ironically, waiting is like working and anything worth working for is worth waiting for. Worth putting your all into. Worth watching it all come to the goal we set for ourselves. So we wait.

Wait to hear.

Wait to see.

Wait to know.

Wait to wait.

And wait to be.

I'll always be waiting.

One day... I'll get that chance...