Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."
- Venom Snake, "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."

Goodbye?

The past two weeks have been a nightmare. We don't talk. Or rather, you don't reply. My words fell on deaf ears before, but not like this. For more than a moment, I thought... I believed things were changing for me. You made me feel so close to complete. I stood at the edge of oblivion and thought you were a light to guide me home. Instead, you blinded me just long enough for me to not see that I had already fallen. I don't know what I did to deserve that. Did I wrong you in a past life? For the briefest moment, I thought maybe you'd catch me for a change, but no... That was only a dream. Even now, I'm still reaching for you, knowing you're not there.

I don't think it matters any more. If I died tonight, I'd smile, knowing it's finally over.

Truthfully, even while hurting, I can't do anything less than love you.

You'll always have a piece of me.

But that piece is my foundation.

Without it... I can only crumble.

"We're the ones who still believe..."

"Silently reflection turns my world to stone
Patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm a travel man
But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing"

The Killers - Tranquilize Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Things I couldn't say... (re: Are you alright?)

Honestly? No, not really. I am getting better, but it feels like I'm loosing my grip on anything important to me anymore. Home doesn't feel like home. Well, to be honest, it never did, but it feels colder. Lack of work is making me feel more fucking worthless with each passing day. Local friends are looking less and less worth the effort lately. (Though, I barely have any to begin with.) It legitimately feels like there's cracks and drifts in all my relationships with people.

Now include the fact that the program that lets me go to school, while looking for work, just dropped me. So now I'm loosing some of my extra benefits AND have to stop going to school regularly. I pretty much have to research and train myself, so I can go back for testing now.

And the mornings... They're the worse. It's a struggle to get out of bed sometimes. Even today... I got up, but all I could think about was crawling back into bed, after I wrote this. I actually wrote this a week ago, in response to a message from a close someone, but I keep editing it, instead sending. I just don't want to "be" some days.

I need to find something new; some worthwhile improvement. Cause I'm starting to feel like I'm sliding back into a dark place and I don't know how I'd crawl out of that again.

--

Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man

Sometimes I forget my age... Some of the past. Old names and their meanings.

Let us go way back to Myspace. I think, in those days, I had some of the most creative names and online aliases. Some just "sounded cool," while others had deep, personal meanings. One of them has recently come to mind, though I'm not sure why. However, I remember some of its meanings and how they still will relate today.

The name? "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man." Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful. Some Myspace names were like that back then. I couldn't tell you what goes on there now.

During the time when I chose that name, I lost some good friends, in various manners. It also was feeling quite down on myself for a lot of little and not so little things; my weight, loneliness, that loss of friends, go-nowhere job, and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Some of those feelings still haunt me, but at the same time, they provide a degree of strength.

I was a...

• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who never could find fulfillment in the people around him. More often than not... I still can't.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who just wanted to be left alone. Many times, I still do.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who hated what he was and what be became when he tried to change. This time around, I'm much happier with who I am. Usually.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who longed for something he could not have. Again, I've moved on past this. In fact, I've found something better. #Cupcake

If that said, I'll hold on to "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man" because I like to think I held on to the better half. The half that grew into someone better. The half that got to be alone and found his peace. And the half that wanted more and found it. I've broken a few mirrors in my time, but what's left of them will still show the better half of a man-made better... Even if I don't always feel like it.

Fear

I do not fear Death. I repeat, I do not fear Death. I do, however, have some fears that hunt me from time to time. Generally, I keep them to myself, but since they've been disturbing my sleep cycle lately, I thought I'd share them and see if letting that out helps any.

My fears are few, but they are just strong enough to stab at my happiness from time to time. And they include:

• Flying
• Drowning
• Loosing touch with myself
• Loosing touch with the people who matter
• Evil fucking bugs that jump or have way too many legs

Flying/Drowning

I can not swim. I can not float. And I sure as hell can not hold my breath for very long. Flying is not the most peachy idea for me, either, but it's flying over water that really gets to me. I have yet to actually fly, but if I ever do, I would rather fly over land, so that if there is a crash, at least it's been a quick death on impact and not a slow surviving few moments before drowning in the ocean. Serious, there's only one thing will have me flying, if I can avoid it, and she knows who she is. (I swear, she's in every other post, but I love her, so it's all good.)

Loosing Touch With Myself

I like to think I am a mix of modern and old fashioned. I have many modern views, but hold to them with some very old fashioned standards. Many of the views I hold stem from various developing beliefs or experiences. One of my biggest fears is forgetting who I am and why. For instance, I love to help people, but we humans are horrible, horrible lifeforms some times. It is a test of patience to keep calm and patient with people. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the verge of forgetting who I am and reverting to the old me; the anger-filled and semi-violent me. The me without a care in the world. The self-serving asshole with an agenda within and agenda. I hated that me and I would like to consider him dead and buried.

Loosing Touch With The People Who Matter

This is another big fear of mine. Becoming who I am and staying me is not done without a special few people in my life and some who left it. Yes, some people have helped me by leaving. However, no one is perfect and even some of these people test me in ways that make me want to turn around and walk away some times. They're mostly good people at heart, but even good people can be self-serving hypocrites or benders of the truth; like those with shaky loyalties or "adaptable morals." In hindsight, maybe loosing some of these people would not be such a bad thing after all. Maybe some people really do serve a purpose and need to move on. Maybe I should move on.

Evil Fucking Bugs That Jump Or Have Way Too Many Legs

I use to love my scorpions and tarantulas, but that's where I draw the line. If it has more than eight legs or jumps...it must be killed with fire. Centipedes and millipedes are the closest thing to the devil this word has. And bugs, like spider-crickets, are their evil minions. There are few things worse than waking up to a centipede or millipede just a few feet from your head on wall and then to have a spider-cricket jump at you out of nowhere, when you try to dispatch the centi/milli-pede monstrosity from Hell. Fuck that.

That is all.

Almost A Full Week Smoke-Free

Late evening, Friday, June 26, 2015, I smoked what should be my last cigarette. Much of life is about motivation. Motivation is something I lack... severely. So, while having a few beers with my friend, Rick, I got onto Snapchat and snapped a picture of my cigarette and asked for some motivation.

And Motivation is exactly what I got...from a very special source. It's not much of a secret that I have a special someone in my life, who I only refer to as Cupcake, that I am very fond of. Snapchat is our chatting tool of choice and, of course, she responded to my public snap. It was short, sweet, and right to the point. She gave me my motivation and I didn't even need to be bribed. ;-)

That's it. That's all I needed. Oh, I'm sorry... Did you think I was going to show her face? Nah. That would defeat the purpose of hiding her name, Silly. Jokes aside, I've been doing very well with quitting. I've switched to vaping to start weaning myself off of nicotine, while immediately cutting out all that other crap they put into them any more. So I thought I'd post a progress report. The two images, below, should say it all, really.

 

As you can see, the initial health improvements that come from quitting are going just fine. On top of that, my initial investment in vaping will pay for itself by tomorrow. AND, by then, I'll have avoided 100 cigarettes. Feels like it should be more, but that's still great.

Here's to more time without smoking, being there when Cupcake needs me, and saving money... Because that's always... ALWAYS... nice, too.

Ishy's Misadventures: Bare-assed

Ishy Note: I have a HORRIBLE sense of time, so I can't give dates to the stories I sharing under "Ishy's Misadventures." I promise they're always true, though I'll only share the best of them, so there aren't too many. I'm just going to share one at random here and there.

Ishy's Misadventures: Bare-Assed

The title says it all...mostly. A few years ago, I use to party in Greenwich, New Jersey. Sadly, things have happened since, so I no longer associate with that group of people, but here's one of the semi-funnier stories from those nights.

So there was a time in my life where just the right amount of alcohol mixed with a serving of bad ideas, a hint of suggestion, and a whole lot of 2Shizzied...served with ice...would bring out some of those Ishy moments that I wish either never happened or at least blacked out from memory. This particular event would involve half a case of Natural Ice (yeah, it was bad) and miscellaneous rums or vodka. (Note: Don't try this at home, kids.)

Some time, in the middle of the night, the party broke into it's usual separate groups and micro-cliques. And I, being the Social Mothra that I am, would swoop down from group to group to terrorize the titties, uh, I mean people. In my defense, half the girls we hung out with, at the time, would whip them out at the drop of a dime anyway, so I was just trying to make sure that I motorboat'ed, I mean... "made" the most of the show(s).

Anyway, somewhere in my drunken rage, I decided that (after some subtle suggestion from a friend) it would be a GREAT idea to climb to the top of this tall antennae on the property. I got maybe three quarters of the way up before the party noticed and warned me down. I didn't want to come down, but they insisted and I'm nice like that, so I dropped down to the roof of their garage, where we often hang out on anyway.

While there, I came to an epiphany..."they should all kiss my ass." You're probably asking how I would get that going with so many people around...and you'd be right to ask. It was simple, really. I yelled out at the top of my lungs for their attention and waited until the whole party was ready...and immediately mooned the entire party in one shot. I'm talented like that. However, there is one talent that I do not have...balance! As I turned to laugh, pulling my pants up, I slipped and landed bare-assed down the roof's slanted top.

I still remember the feeling of sliding down that rough, shingled rooftop...and the landing after I slid clean off the edge; barely missing my friend's wife's car. It... It wasn't fun. Not at all. I could barely sit or walk right for a couple of days and it would be months before they left me forget it.

Moral of the Story:

1. Watch how much you drink.
2. Don't listen to your idiot friends.
3. Don't climb things you shouldn't.
4. Mooning isn't always funny.
5. Neither is falling off the roof.
6. Ishy4Shizzy gets a little 2Shizzy sometimes.