The Beatles - And I Love Her (Official Video with Lyrics)

Well, it seems it finally happened. I wish I hadn't deleted the post when I predicted it. She met someone... I don't think there's anything else to say.

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."
- Venom Snake, "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."

I don't enjoy life...

I don't enjoy life... I really don't. I appreciate it, but I don't know how to enjoy it. I'm too busy looking at others and thinking about how I wish I could make it better; for both them and myself. There's someone out there that I'll likely never have for myself, but I can't help but to wish I was there to make things better for. There are friends and family whose lives I wish I could help improve. And there's extended family that I wish I can just be more than who I am for.

I know... it's an old feeling and I'm far from being the first to feel this way. But if I don't let it out; I'll never be able to let it be.

A: I still love you. I really do.
R: Duuuuude, your ex is a supreme cunt. Like wow.
T: Fuck, I wish I was there to give you the right shove in the right direction.

(Yes, I rearranged that that semi-spell ART.)

My sisters... I still regret not being there for so many years of your lives. I know, as hard as I may try sometimes, that it may be time loss, but if you're reading this... I'm ALWAYS here for you. That's all four of you. Don't ever think that we can't talk because we're so far apart.

That is my rant for the night.

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

April 1st

April 1st, "April Fools"
Yeah, that sounds about right some times.

Goodbye?

The past two weeks have been a nightmare. We don't talk. Or rather, you don't reply. My words fell on deaf ears before, but not like this. For more than a moment, I thought... I believed things were changing for me. You made me feel so close to complete. I stood at the edge of oblivion and thought you were a light to guide me home. Instead, you blinded me just long enough for me to not see that I had already fallen. I don't know what I did to deserve that. Did I wrong you in a past life? For the briefest moment, I thought maybe you'd catch me for a change, but no... That was only a dream. Even now, I'm still reaching for you, knowing you're not there.

I don't think it matters any more. If I died tonight, I'd smile, knowing it's finally over.

Truthfully, even while hurting, I can't do anything less than love you.

You'll always have a piece of me.

But that piece is my foundation.

Without it... I can only crumble.

"We're the ones who still believe..."

"Silently reflection turns my world to stone
Patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm a travel man
But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing"

The Killers - Tranquilize Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Always

Through thick and thin.
For better or for worse.
At your side or as you shield.
Until there's nothing left...

Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man

Sometimes I forget my age... Some of the past. Old names and their meanings.

Let us go way back to Myspace. I think, in those days, I had some of the most creative names and online aliases. Some just "sounded cool," while others had deep, personal meanings. One of them has recently come to mind, though I'm not sure why. However, I remember some of its meanings and how they still will relate today.

The name? "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man." Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful. Some Myspace names were like that back then. I couldn't tell you what goes on there now.

During the time when I chose that name, I lost some good friends, in various manners. It also was feeling quite down on myself for a lot of little and not so little things; my weight, loneliness, that loss of friends, go-nowhere job, and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Some of those feelings still haunt me, but at the same time, they provide a degree of strength.

I was a...

• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who never could find fulfillment in the people around him. More often than not... I still can't.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who just wanted to be left alone. Many times, I still do.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who hated what he was and what be became when he tried to change. This time around, I'm much happier with who I am. Usually.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who longed for something he could not have. Again, I've moved on past this. In fact, I've found something better. #Cupcake

If that said, I'll hold on to "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man" because I like to think I held on to the better half. The half that grew into someone better. The half that got to be alone and found his peace. And the half that wanted more and found it. I've broken a few mirrors in my time, but what's left of them will still show the better half of a man-made better... Even if I don't always feel like it.

Fear

I do not fear Death. I repeat, I do not fear Death. I do, however, have some fears that hunt me from time to time. Generally, I keep them to myself, but since they've been disturbing my sleep cycle lately, I thought I'd share them and see if letting that out helps any.

My fears are few, but they are just strong enough to stab at my happiness from time to time. And they include:

• Flying
• Drowning
• Loosing touch with myself
• Loosing touch with the people who matter
• Evil fucking bugs that jump or have way too many legs

Flying/Drowning

I can not swim. I can not float. And I sure as hell can not hold my breath for very long. Flying is not the most peachy idea for me, either, but it's flying over water that really gets to me. I have yet to actually fly, but if I ever do, I would rather fly over land, so that if there is a crash, at least it's been a quick death on impact and not a slow surviving few moments before drowning in the ocean. Serious, there's only one thing will have me flying, if I can avoid it, and she knows who she is. (I swear, she's in every other post, but I love her, so it's all good.)

Loosing Touch With Myself

I like to think I am a mix of modern and old fashioned. I have many modern views, but hold to them with some very old fashioned standards. Many of the views I hold stem from various developing beliefs or experiences. One of my biggest fears is forgetting who I am and why. For instance, I love to help people, but we humans are horrible, horrible lifeforms some times. It is a test of patience to keep calm and patient with people. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the verge of forgetting who I am and reverting to the old me; the anger-filled and semi-violent me. The me without a care in the world. The self-serving asshole with an agenda within and agenda. I hated that me and I would like to consider him dead and buried.

Loosing Touch With The People Who Matter

This is another big fear of mine. Becoming who I am and staying me is not done without a special few people in my life and some who left it. Yes, some people have helped me by leaving. However, no one is perfect and even some of these people test me in ways that make me want to turn around and walk away some times. They're mostly good people at heart, but even good people can be self-serving hypocrites or benders of the truth; like those with shaky loyalties or "adaptable morals." In hindsight, maybe loosing some of these people would not be such a bad thing after all. Maybe some people really do serve a purpose and need to move on. Maybe I should move on.

Evil Fucking Bugs That Jump Or Have Way Too Many Legs

I use to love my scorpions and tarantulas, but that's where I draw the line. If it has more than eight legs or jumps...it must be killed with fire. Centipedes and millipedes are the closest thing to the devil this word has. And bugs, like spider-crickets, are their evil minions. There are few things worse than waking up to a centipede or millipede just a few feet from your head on wall and then to have a spider-cricket jump at you out of nowhere, when you try to dispatch the centi/milli-pede monstrosity from Hell. Fuck that.

That is all.

Getting to know you... Getting to know all about you...

Yes, I actually sang that while typing the title. There's some significance to it, though. I'm the type of person who thinks often about my previous mistakes, associations, relationships, and everything in between. With things as they are lately, I've been thinking more about previous relationships, why they didn't work out, and how to make sure this current thing is something that lasts.

So...back to that title. Yes, it's "Getting to know you" by Bing Crosby. And I believe that NOT doing as that song says is the number one reason why my previous relationships didn't work out. One was a raging alcoholic and I didn't take the time to learn about her to know that beforehand. Another was... ugh, she was something special. All the potential to be intelligent held back by levels of naivete that just boggle the mind. Kinda wish I knew that sooner, too.

Thankfully, that isn't likely to happen with my Cupcake. Because of the distance between us right now, she have plenty of time to get to know each other (hint, hint), while I prepare for the future. That's plenty of time to let each other know what irks us (hint, hint), what we expect from each other (hint, hint), and...well, I was going to say each other's little secrets, but we got that one down packed. (LOFL)

So there it is. We're both troubled in some ways for not being able to be together right this minute, but I WILL be taking advantage of the time and using it to OUR mutual advantage.

Now, I'm no old man yet, I think. I'm 36 years old and am willing to share my experiences and point of view on a few things; especially if it helps others. So remember this post and if you're single, then remember to get to know a person before trying to plant your ass somewhere it doesn't belong.

Peace and good health to anyone who's reading.

Changes...

Change. It can be a frightening thing for many people. I've never been a big fan of change. However, soon I will embrace it.

I am not happy. Home doesn't not feel like home. I've been growing more and more distant from friends; to the point where I only have two, locally. I can't find a job to save my life here. And I really just feel empty and unmotivated anymore.

Motivation is an important thing for me. I'm lazy. There's no way around that description. I have, however, found a new, loving motivator; my Cupcake. With just a few words from her I've been able to put down the cigarettes. With just a few thoughts of her, nightmares fade and I sleep like a baby. So for her, I will embrace change.

With everything going nowhere locally, I'm ready to move on, but only if with or for her. So I have made the decision... My new goal in bettering myself is to leave this place. I plan to turn my back on New Jersey and find myself elsewhere. I already know where the goal location is, but in the interest of keeping at least some things private...I won't say where. Not yet, anyway.

I can't set a specific date, yet, but I'm considering the proverbial countdown begun. It might be a while, but I'm coming, Cupcake.

Jersey will be my past...

EDIT: Ok, this post turned into more of a letter. My bad.

The title says it all. I have a new goal in life and I WILL see it through. It will, however, take some time. It's a big move and a big chance for me. It doesn't help that I've been out of work for a while, but I won't let that be an excuse to fail. I can't fail anyway. I've got the supreme motivator on my side... My Cupcake. Yup; her again.

Not that I needed any more motivation, as I was already planning to do this, but actually saying it to her and pointing out some of the roadblocks ahead makes it seem more like a step forward and less like a pipe dream.

Speaking of dreams... I wonder what tonight's dreams will hold. I often speak of not remembering my dreams, but in truth, I've been dreaming of her every night since February. More often than not, it's just some subtle romance, but you can never know.

Cupcake, if you're reading this, I love you. I can't set a date, yet, but Ishy's coming for you. Nobody and nothing will get in my way. If you believe in nothing else... Believe in me.

Love you, Cupcake

PS
Seems like we have tonight's conversation every now and again, huh? ;-P

Almost A Full Week Smoke-Free

Late evening, Friday, June 26, 2015, I smoked what should be my last cigarette. Much of life is about motivation. Motivation is something I lack... severely. So, while having a few beers with my friend, Rick, I got onto Snapchat and snapped a picture of my cigarette and asked for some motivation.

And Motivation is exactly what I got...from a very special source. It's not much of a secret that I have a special someone in my life, who I only refer to as Cupcake, that I am very fond of. Snapchat is our chatting tool of choice and, of course, she responded to my public snap. It was short, sweet, and right to the point. She gave me my motivation and I didn't even need to be bribed. ;-)

That's it. That's all I needed. Oh, I'm sorry... Did you think I was going to show her face? Nah. That would defeat the purpose of hiding her name, Silly. Jokes aside, I've been doing very well with quitting. I've switched to vaping to start weaning myself off of nicotine, while immediately cutting out all that other crap they put into them any more. So I thought I'd post a progress report. The two images, below, should say it all, really.

 

As you can see, the initial health improvements that come from quitting are going just fine. On top of that, my initial investment in vaping will pay for itself by tomorrow. AND, by then, I'll have avoided 100 cigarettes. Feels like it should be more, but that's still great.

Here's to more time without smoking, being there when Cupcake needs me, and saving money... Because that's always... ALWAYS... nice, too.

Words

Some of my biggest problems can be solved with just a few words. That's what she does for me. She gives me meaning. She gives me hope. And she soothes my heartache with just a smile. Our NOT being together involves words that I can not share... Not even here. However, one day... One day...

Until then...

And afterward...

She is my world and I will not live without her...

And so, I will keep waiting...

She's worth the wait.




PS
AGDLR... that... that is a lot of initials.

...

Speechless.

Dumbstruck.

Inexpressible.

Shattered.

Heartbroken.

Destroyed.

Broken

Alone.

Dead. Slow, torturous death.

Singular Focus/Obsession/Love

In terms of socialization, what is the difference between "Singular Focus," "Obsession," and "Love?" Seriously... How do we know the difference? And can either really be considered wrong? I hold a special someone in mind nearly every conceivable moment I can recall. Keep in mind that while we've both confessed a mutual love for one another, we are very far apart and can not truly be together at the moment. So perhaps it's simply the longing in the distance that keeps her there. Not to say that it isn't Love... That much, I assure you it is. I suppose that's just my way of claiming it isn't obsession, which I feel has a very negative connotation. Either way, really, I can't get her out of my thoughts... And I don't want to.

I'll keep waiting.

Selfishness

I have this poor trait that I really despise about myself. Selfishness. Not selfishness in all things, but in one particular area of my life that I hate admitting to. In a relationship, I am a mix of old fashioned and modern. I believe in loyalty and doing as much together as possible, but also in giving each other personal space and freedom to have our own friends and social outings. However, there's a quiet part of me that I keep to myself. When I'm in love, I give all of me to her. So when she's not around, a part of me is gone until she comes back. While it's gone, I silently and privately scratch away at myself (mentally) with each moment I'm not a part of her moments. It's not that I don't trust the woman I'm with at the time or that I suspect anything wrong is happening. It's selfishness. I quietly loathe the moments she's away. I don't like to share, even though I'm sharing the world with her. But I keep it to myself because she IS my world. I only live here.

Am I a hypocrite? Loneliness... Not so overrated?

Yes, I can be a hypocrite. Or maybe there's an exception to every rule. Or maybe it's just another one of those "live and learn" changes we all go through. I've said, in the past, that don't mind loneliness. Or least that I prefer it over the feeling of being depended on in a relationship. Maybe I was still hurt from the last one. I don't think so. I think perhaps I just found that "exception to every rule." I think about a special someone nearly every moment within every moment. I simply can't imagine things without her. The love is mutual, though I doubt she obsesses over me like I do her. In my defense, we're very far from each other. I don't mind time apart, but the distance... It's a killer.

Not enough to shake my faith in making a future work or to stop me from making life changes and sacrifices for that future, but enough to make me wish I was someone different... someone better... sooner. I know it's not healthy to beat one's self up over such unrealistic wishing, but it's just that; a little wish I can move on from. That's not to say that I can move on from her, just that I'm strong enough not to dwell too much on how things aren't; even if just barely so.

One day, though...

If she'll still have me, when things are better...

I'll be waiting...

Always waiting...