Selfishness

I have this poor trait that I really despise about myself. Selfishness. Not selfishness in all things, but in one particular area of my life that I hate admitting to. In a relationship, I am a mix of old fashioned and modern. I believe in loyalty and doing as much together as possible, but also in giving each other personal space and freedom to have our own friends and social outings. However, there's a quiet part of me that I keep to myself. When I'm in love, I give all of me to her. So when she's not around, a part of me is gone until she comes back. While it's gone, I silently and privately scratch away at myself (mentally) with each moment I'm not a part of her moments. It's not that I don't trust the woman I'm with at the time or that I suspect anything wrong is happening. It's selfishness. I quietly loathe the moments she's away. I don't like to share, even though I'm sharing the world with her. But I keep it to myself because she IS my world. I only live here.

Am I a hypocrite? Loneliness... Not so overrated?

Yes, I can be a hypocrite. Or maybe there's an exception to every rule. Or maybe it's just another one of those "live and learn" changes we all go through. I've said, in the past, that don't mind loneliness. Or least that I prefer it over the feeling of being depended on in a relationship. Maybe I was still hurt from the last one. I don't think so. I think perhaps I just found that "exception to every rule." I think about a special someone nearly every moment within every moment. I simply can't imagine things without her. The love is mutual, though I doubt she obsesses over me like I do her. In my defense, we're very far from each other. I don't mind time apart, but the distance... It's a killer.

Not enough to shake my faith in making a future work or to stop me from making life changes and sacrifices for that future, but enough to make me wish I was someone different... someone better... sooner. I know it's not healthy to beat one's self up over such unrealistic wishing, but it's just that; a little wish I can move on from. That's not to say that I can move on from her, just that I'm strong enough not to dwell too much on how things aren't; even if just barely so.

One day, though...

If she'll still have me, when things are better...

I'll be waiting...

Always waiting...

Changing pace...

Potentially going to completely change the focus of this account to compliment an upcoming project. Not that it matters… I have no followers.

Long distance...

The hardest part of a long distance relationship (regardless of the type of relationship) is the waiting. Waiting to hear. Waiting to see. Waiting to know. Sometimes, waiting to wait.

It's like torture for some. That's probably why they rarely work. Ironically, waiting is like working and anything worth working for is worth waiting for. Worth putting your all into. Worth watching it all come to the goal we set for ourselves. So we wait.

Wait to hear.

Wait to see.

Wait to know.

Wait to wait.

And wait to be.

I'll always be waiting.

One day... I'll get that chance...