Treadmill

Well, a couple of months ago, I got my hands on a used treadmill. I finally brought it downstairs to my "room" yesterday. I probably should have used some help, but it go down in one piece.

So apparently, the treadmill has a little odometer to show you your estimated distance each walk. Day 1 down. I'm starting with 30-minute walks. At the pace I had it at, it estimated around 1 1/3 miles I'd call that a good start. Day 1 - Done

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."
- Venom Snake, "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."

I don't enjoy life...

I don't enjoy life... I really don't. I appreciate it, but I don't know how to enjoy it. I'm too busy looking at others and thinking about how I wish I could make it better; for both them and myself. There's someone out there that I'll likely never have for myself, but I can't help but to wish I was there to make things better for. There are friends and family whose lives I wish I could help improve. And there's extended family that I wish I can just be more than who I am for.

I know... it's an old feeling and I'm far from being the first to feel this way. But if I don't let it out; I'll never be able to let it be.

A: I still love you. I really do.
R: Duuuuude, your ex is a supreme cunt. Like wow.
T: Fuck, I wish I was there to give you the right shove in the right direction.

(Yes, I rearranged that that semi-spell ART.)

My sisters... I still regret not being there for so many years of your lives. I know, as hard as I may try sometimes, that it may be time loss, but if you're reading this... I'm ALWAYS here for you. That's all four of you. Don't ever think that we can't talk because we're so far apart.

That is my rant for the night.

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

Another New Project to try...

I found the tattered folder of my old poetry. I've had quite a bit of writer's block for years and just gave up. However, in lieu of the writer's block, I think I'm going to try to convert all these old poems (regardless of how bad most of them are) into digital form. As I do, I'll share some of the better ones.

Mind you... "Better" doesn't necessarily mean "Good."

Writing, House of Cards (poetry)

I use to write... a lot. A LOT. Mostly poetry and mostly bad, though I've had a few here and there that I felt were pretty good. I recently found my old folders of poetry, while cleaning in the basement. I'm considering gathering what's left together and typing them all up; a little at a time, of course. I some of the better ones MIGHT be already, but I'd like to have them all together one day, even the ones that suck. I've included one of my favorites below and it's link to my old Deviant Art profile. Nothing special there... I barely ever used it.

"House Of Cards" by MdKnight (my old pen name)

For those who don't care to follow the link...

House of Cards
by MdKnight

started over
slate uncleaned
strong foundation
so it seemed

future secure
future bright
could not see
try as i might

lied to self
before we parted
future shattered
before it started

tears like rivers
voiceless cries
never succeed
lost the prize

All too quiet
not a sound
another "would be"
crumbled down