I don't enjoy life...

I don't enjoy life... I really don't. I appreciate it, but I don't know how to enjoy it. I'm too busy looking at others and thinking about how I wish I could make it better; for both them and myself. There's someone out there that I'll likely never have for myself, but I can't help but to wish I was there to make things better for. There are friends and family whose lives I wish I could help improve. And there's extended family that I wish I can just be more than who I am for.

I know... it's an old feeling and I'm far from being the first to feel this way. But if I don't let it out; I'll never be able to let it be.

A: I still love you. I really do.
R: Duuuuude, your ex is a supreme cunt. Like wow.
T: Fuck, I wish I was there to give you the right shove in the right direction.

(Yes, I rearranged that that semi-spell ART.)

My sisters... I still regret not being there for so many years of your lives. I know, as hard as I may try sometimes, that it may be time loss, but if you're reading this... I'm ALWAYS here for you. That's all four of you. Don't ever think that we can't talk because we're so far apart.

That is my rant for the night.

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

Changes...

Change. It can be a frightening thing for many people. I've never been a big fan of change. However, soon I will embrace it.

I am not happy. Home doesn't not feel like home. I've been growing more and more distant from friends; to the point where I only have two, locally. I can't find a job to save my life here. And I really just feel empty and unmotivated anymore.

Motivation is an important thing for me. I'm lazy. There's no way around that description. I have, however, found a new, loving motivator; my Cupcake. With just a few words from her I've been able to put down the cigarettes. With just a few thoughts of her, nightmares fade and I sleep like a baby. So for her, I will embrace change.

With everything going nowhere locally, I'm ready to move on, but only if with or for her. So I have made the decision... My new goal in bettering myself is to leave this place. I plan to turn my back on New Jersey and find myself elsewhere. I already know where the goal location is, but in the interest of keeping at least some things private...I won't say where. Not yet, anyway.

I can't set a specific date, yet, but I'm considering the proverbial countdown begun. It might be a while, but I'm coming, Cupcake.

Jersey will be my past...

EDIT: Ok, this post turned into more of a letter. My bad.

The title says it all. I have a new goal in life and I WILL see it through. It will, however, take some time. It's a big move and a big chance for me. It doesn't help that I've been out of work for a while, but I won't let that be an excuse to fail. I can't fail anyway. I've got the supreme motivator on my side... My Cupcake. Yup; her again.

Not that I needed any more motivation, as I was already planning to do this, but actually saying it to her and pointing out some of the roadblocks ahead makes it seem more like a step forward and less like a pipe dream.

Speaking of dreams... I wonder what tonight's dreams will hold. I often speak of not remembering my dreams, but in truth, I've been dreaming of her every night since February. More often than not, it's just some subtle romance, but you can never know.

Cupcake, if you're reading this, I love you. I can't set a date, yet, but Ishy's coming for you. Nobody and nothing will get in my way. If you believe in nothing else... Believe in me.

Love you, Cupcake

PS
Seems like we have tonight's conversation every now and again, huh? ;-P

Sisters...

Some friends may not be aware of this, but I have seven siblings. With this post, if you've read the title, I'll be concentrating on my sisters; of which there are four. I won't mention names, but the oldest of them just finished her BSW and is on her way to doing well for herself. The next is finishing high school and is a new mother. I have my reservations about that, but what's done is done and my job now, as her brother, is to be supportive when she needs me.

Next, I've been going in age order from oldest to youngest, is the black sheep. I don't personally hold her to that, but that's the role she's been given. It's a shame. Underneath her rough exterior, she's got quite a heart in her, but when she tries to show it, she's shunned for stepping out of character by those who shouldn't matter and the ones who should matter most treat her like her softer side is just a charade. One day, she'll get to break out of her shell and I plan on being there to welcome her to the world.

The last one is the "baby." Mind you, she's in high school (and doing VERY well), but she's the youngest and will always be the baby of the family. She's the natural sweetheart, but she's not the angel she tries to be. Then again, who is? I certainly am not. If you knew what I don't type, you'd probably never read my thoughts again.

The funniest thing about these four sisters is their distinct personalities. And the changes in those personalities as individuals over the years. Because of the distance between us (we live in different states), I haven't been part much of a part of their lives as I would like to have been, but it's been a pleasure to watch them grow up and become whoever they decide to become.

Girls, if you come across my blog, just know that I love you all and I'm proud to call you my sisters.