Things I couldn't say... (re: Are you alright?)

Honestly? No, not really. I am getting better, but it feels like I'm loosing my grip on anything important to me anymore. Home doesn't feel like home. Well, to be honest, it never did, but it feels colder. Lack of work is making me feel more fucking worthless with each passing day. Local friends are looking less and less worth the effort lately. (Though, I barely have any to begin with.) It legitimately feels like there's cracks and drifts in all my relationships with people.

Now include the fact that the program that lets me go to school, while looking for work, just dropped me. So now I'm loosing some of my extra benefits AND have to stop going to school regularly. I pretty much have to research and train myself, so I can go back for testing now.

And the mornings... They're the worse. It's a struggle to get out of bed sometimes. Even today... I got up, but all I could think about was crawling back into bed, after I wrote this. I actually wrote this a week ago, in response to a message from a close someone, but I keep editing it, instead sending. I just don't want to "be" some days.

I need to find something new; some worthwhile improvement. Cause I'm starting to feel like I'm sliding back into a dark place and I don't know how I'd crawl out of that again.

--

Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

UPDATE

Finally got in touch with the friend I posted about on Tuesday. Things were bad, but not as bad as I feared. My apologies to anyone I may have been cold or distant towards, during the past week. I don't express being upset very well. I know I come off as an asshole and that's pretty much because I am...

But I'm trying to be better.

I can be selfish, too...

I am not blind to my own selfishness.

I know full well how much of what I do for others is more for me.

I understand how I've let others down by not fulfilling my own potential.

I have witnessed my own relationships bleed out because of my impatience with others.

I have bathed in the flame of my own disillusion because it was easier than explaining myself.

And I have fought with others who had seen through my own single-mindedness.

Another dreadful feeling...

Very recently, I lost touch with a close friend. For her privacy/protection, I won't mention her name, but she has had a rough time with life and it's gotten her into some trouble over the years. Honestly, I do not know her whole story. I can only say that I have been proud to call her a friend and equally as proud to be someone she knew she can turn to. I love her dearly and consider her a little sister.

Apparently, she got into some sort of trouble and her last, public, post simply stated so and that she would be unreachable. I replied that, as a friend, I'd be waiting for her return and for her to not be a stranger. Within days, ALL of her social media accounts (that I'm aware of) have since been deleted.

I don't know what has happened and can only wish her well. She's shared quite a bit with me over the past year and I have a strong understanding of some of the hell she's been through. With that knowledge and the current events...I'm frightened for her. Especially after the cold and ominous message I finally received in reply that stated, "Yep, she ain't ever coming back."

(Forgot to screenshot it, but I was immediately blocked or the account deleted anyway.)

I hope to catch up with her again one day. More so, I hope that she is well...soon.

She is a younger friend and I've tried very hard to be a mentor and guide for her; especially since, it seems, too often, that no one else will. I have the proud knowledge of being told, in her own words, that she looked to me as a big brother and sometimes a father figure; to the point of her claiming that if not for me, she may not have been here as long as she has. She is like a sister to me and I miss her dearly, already.

I feel as though I have failed her. As though there was something more I could have done. I'm probably being hard on myself, but someone needs to be. This world is failing this girl and we all owe her our hands and help.

If you ever come across this, know that I'm still here for you.

My friend and sister, you will be in my thoughts.