I don't enjoy life...

I don't enjoy life... I really don't. I appreciate it, but I don't know how to enjoy it. I'm too busy looking at others and thinking about how I wish I could make it better; for both them and myself. There's someone out there that I'll likely never have for myself, but I can't help but to wish I was there to make things better for. There are friends and family whose lives I wish I could help improve. And there's extended family that I wish I can just be more than who I am for.

I know... it's an old feeling and I'm far from being the first to feel this way. But if I don't let it out; I'll never be able to let it be.

A: I still love you. I really do.
R: Duuuuude, your ex is a supreme cunt. Like wow.
T: Fuck, I wish I was there to give you the right shove in the right direction.

(Yes, I rearranged that that semi-spell ART.)

My sisters... I still regret not being there for so many years of your lives. I know, as hard as I may try sometimes, that it may be time loss, but if you're reading this... I'm ALWAYS here for you. That's all four of you. Don't ever think that we can't talk because we're so far apart.

That is my rant for the night.

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

Another dreadful feeling...

Very recently, I lost touch with a close friend. For her privacy/protection, I won't mention her name, but she has had a rough time with life and it's gotten her into some trouble over the years. Honestly, I do not know her whole story. I can only say that I have been proud to call her a friend and equally as proud to be someone she knew she can turn to. I love her dearly and consider her a little sister.

Apparently, she got into some sort of trouble and her last, public, post simply stated so and that she would be unreachable. I replied that, as a friend, I'd be waiting for her return and for her to not be a stranger. Within days, ALL of her social media accounts (that I'm aware of) have since been deleted.

I don't know what has happened and can only wish her well. She's shared quite a bit with me over the past year and I have a strong understanding of some of the hell she's been through. With that knowledge and the current events...I'm frightened for her. Especially after the cold and ominous message I finally received in reply that stated, "Yep, she ain't ever coming back."

(Forgot to screenshot it, but I was immediately blocked or the account deleted anyway.)

I hope to catch up with her again one day. More so, I hope that she is well...soon.

She is a younger friend and I've tried very hard to be a mentor and guide for her; especially since, it seems, too often, that no one else will. I have the proud knowledge of being told, in her own words, that she looked to me as a big brother and sometimes a father figure; to the point of her claiming that if not for me, she may not have been here as long as she has. She is like a sister to me and I miss her dearly, already.

I feel as though I have failed her. As though there was something more I could have done. I'm probably being hard on myself, but someone needs to be. This world is failing this girl and we all owe her our hands and help.

If you ever come across this, know that I'm still here for you.

My friend and sister, you will be in my thoughts.

Sisters...

Some friends may not be aware of this, but I have seven siblings. With this post, if you've read the title, I'll be concentrating on my sisters; of which there are four. I won't mention names, but the oldest of them just finished her BSW and is on her way to doing well for herself. The next is finishing high school and is a new mother. I have my reservations about that, but what's done is done and my job now, as her brother, is to be supportive when she needs me.

Next, I've been going in age order from oldest to youngest, is the black sheep. I don't personally hold her to that, but that's the role she's been given. It's a shame. Underneath her rough exterior, she's got quite a heart in her, but when she tries to show it, she's shunned for stepping out of character by those who shouldn't matter and the ones who should matter most treat her like her softer side is just a charade. One day, she'll get to break out of her shell and I plan on being there to welcome her to the world.

The last one is the "baby." Mind you, she's in high school (and doing VERY well), but she's the youngest and will always be the baby of the family. She's the natural sweetheart, but she's not the angel she tries to be. Then again, who is? I certainly am not. If you knew what I don't type, you'd probably never read my thoughts again.

The funniest thing about these four sisters is their distinct personalities. And the changes in those personalities as individuals over the years. Because of the distance between us (we live in different states), I haven't been part much of a part of their lives as I would like to have been, but it's been a pleasure to watch them grow up and become whoever they decide to become.

Girls, if you come across my blog, just know that I love you all and I'm proud to call you my sisters.