Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."
- Venom Snake, "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."

I don't enjoy life...

I don't enjoy life... I really don't. I appreciate it, but I don't know how to enjoy it. I'm too busy looking at others and thinking about how I wish I could make it better; for both them and myself. There's someone out there that I'll likely never have for myself, but I can't help but to wish I was there to make things better for. There are friends and family whose lives I wish I could help improve. And there's extended family that I wish I can just be more than who I am for.

I know... it's an old feeling and I'm far from being the first to feel this way. But if I don't let it out; I'll never be able to let it be.

A: I still love you. I really do.
R: Duuuuude, your ex is a supreme cunt. Like wow.
T: Fuck, I wish I was there to give you the right shove in the right direction.

(Yes, I rearranged that that semi-spell ART.)

My sisters... I still regret not being there for so many years of your lives. I know, as hard as I may try sometimes, that it may be time loss, but if you're reading this... I'm ALWAYS here for you. That's all four of you. Don't ever think that we can't talk because we're so far apart.

That is my rant for the night.

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

Goodbye?

The past two weeks have been a nightmare. We don't talk. Or rather, you don't reply. My words fell on deaf ears before, but not like this. For more than a moment, I thought... I believed things were changing for me. You made me feel so close to complete. I stood at the edge of oblivion and thought you were a light to guide me home. Instead, you blinded me just long enough for me to not see that I had already fallen. I don't know what I did to deserve that. Did I wrong you in a past life? For the briefest moment, I thought maybe you'd catch me for a change, but no... That was only a dream. Even now, I'm still reaching for you, knowing you're not there.

I don't think it matters any more. If I died tonight, I'd smile, knowing it's finally over.

Truthfully, even while hurting, I can't do anything less than love you.

You'll always have a piece of me.

But that piece is my foundation.

Without it... I can only crumble.

"We're the ones who still believe..."

"Silently reflection turns my world to stone
Patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm a travel man
But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing"

The Killers - Tranquilize Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Always

Through thick and thin.
For better or for worse.
At your side or as you shield.
Until there's nothing left...