Always

Through thick and thin.
For better or for worse.
At your side or as you shield.
Until there's nothing left...

Things I couldn't say... (re: Are you alright?)

Honestly? No, not really. I am getting better, but it feels like I'm loosing my grip on anything important to me anymore. Home doesn't feel like home. Well, to be honest, it never did, but it feels colder. Lack of work is making me feel more fucking worthless with each passing day. Local friends are looking less and less worth the effort lately. (Though, I barely have any to begin with.) It legitimately feels like there's cracks and drifts in all my relationships with people.

Now include the fact that the program that lets me go to school, while looking for work, just dropped me. So now I'm loosing some of my extra benefits AND have to stop going to school regularly. I pretty much have to research and train myself, so I can go back for testing now.

And the mornings... They're the worse. It's a struggle to get out of bed sometimes. Even today... I got up, but all I could think about was crawling back into bed, after I wrote this. I actually wrote this a week ago, in response to a message from a close someone, but I keep editing it, instead sending. I just don't want to "be" some days.

I need to find something new; some worthwhile improvement. Cause I'm starting to feel like I'm sliding back into a dark place and I don't know how I'd crawl out of that again.

--

Soundgarden - Fell On Black Days

The Cruxshadows - Even angels fall

Ignore the pentagrams... the video's creator obviously had no notion of what the band is about.

The Dreaming - Crawl (Acoustic)

Simple Minds - Don't You (Forget About Me)

Still Remains Lyrics

Stone Temple Pilots - Creep (Official Video)

Writing, House of Cards (poetry)

I use to write... a lot. A LOT. Mostly poetry and mostly bad, though I've had a few here and there that I felt were pretty good. I recently found my old folders of poetry, while cleaning in the basement. I'm considering gathering what's left together and typing them all up; a little at a time, of course. I some of the better ones MIGHT be already, but I'd like to have them all together one day, even the ones that suck. I've included one of my favorites below and it's link to my old Deviant Art profile. Nothing special there... I barely ever used it.

"House Of Cards" by MdKnight (my old pen name)

For those who don't care to follow the link...

House of Cards
by MdKnight

started over
slate uncleaned
strong foundation
so it seemed

future secure
future bright
could not see
try as i might

lied to self
before we parted
future shattered
before it started

tears like rivers
voiceless cries
never succeed
lost the prize

All too quiet
not a sound
another "would be"
crumbled down

the most romantic line i've ever heard..

Quote C.S. Lewis

“Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”

- C.S. Lewis

Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man

Sometimes I forget my age... Some of the past. Old names and their meanings.

Let us go way back to Myspace. I think, in those days, I had some of the most creative names and online aliases. Some just "sounded cool," while others had deep, personal meanings. One of them has recently come to mind, though I'm not sure why. However, I remember some of its meanings and how they still will relate today.

The name? "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man." Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful. Some Myspace names were like that back then. I couldn't tell you what goes on there now.

During the time when I chose that name, I lost some good friends, in various manners. It also was feeling quite down on myself for a lot of little and not so little things; my weight, loneliness, that loss of friends, go-nowhere job, and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Some of those feelings still haunt me, but at the same time, they provide a degree of strength.

I was a...

• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who never could find fulfillment in the people around him. More often than not... I still can't.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who just wanted to be left alone. Many times, I still do.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who hated what he was and what be became when he tried to change. This time around, I'm much happier with who I am. Usually.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who longed for something he could not have. Again, I've moved on past this. In fact, I've found something better. #Cupcake

If that said, I'll hold on to "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man" because I like to think I held on to the better half. The half that grew into someone better. The half that got to be alone and found his peace. And the half that wanted more and found it. I've broken a few mirrors in my time, but what's left of them will still show the better half of a man-made better... Even if I don't always feel like it.

Fear

I do not fear Death. I repeat, I do not fear Death. I do, however, have some fears that hunt me from time to time. Generally, I keep them to myself, but since they've been disturbing my sleep cycle lately, I thought I'd share them and see if letting that out helps any.

My fears are few, but they are just strong enough to stab at my happiness from time to time. And they include:

• Flying
• Drowning
• Loosing touch with myself
• Loosing touch with the people who matter
• Evil fucking bugs that jump or have way too many legs

Flying/Drowning

I can not swim. I can not float. And I sure as hell can not hold my breath for very long. Flying is not the most peachy idea for me, either, but it's flying over water that really gets to me. I have yet to actually fly, but if I ever do, I would rather fly over land, so that if there is a crash, at least it's been a quick death on impact and not a slow surviving few moments before drowning in the ocean. Serious, there's only one thing will have me flying, if I can avoid it, and she knows who she is. (I swear, she's in every other post, but I love her, so it's all good.)

Loosing Touch With Myself

I like to think I am a mix of modern and old fashioned. I have many modern views, but hold to them with some very old fashioned standards. Many of the views I hold stem from various developing beliefs or experiences. One of my biggest fears is forgetting who I am and why. For instance, I love to help people, but we humans are horrible, horrible lifeforms some times. It is a test of patience to keep calm and patient with people. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the verge of forgetting who I am and reverting to the old me; the anger-filled and semi-violent me. The me without a care in the world. The self-serving asshole with an agenda within and agenda. I hated that me and I would like to consider him dead and buried.

Loosing Touch With The People Who Matter

This is another big fear of mine. Becoming who I am and staying me is not done without a special few people in my life and some who left it. Yes, some people have helped me by leaving. However, no one is perfect and even some of these people test me in ways that make me want to turn around and walk away some times. They're mostly good people at heart, but even good people can be self-serving hypocrites or benders of the truth; like those with shaky loyalties or "adaptable morals." In hindsight, maybe loosing some of these people would not be such a bad thing after all. Maybe some people really do serve a purpose and need to move on. Maybe I should move on.

Evil Fucking Bugs That Jump Or Have Way Too Many Legs

I use to love my scorpions and tarantulas, but that's where I draw the line. If it has more than eight legs or jumps...it must be killed with fire. Centipedes and millipedes are the closest thing to the devil this word has. And bugs, like spider-crickets, are their evil minions. There are few things worse than waking up to a centipede or millipede just a few feet from your head on wall and then to have a spider-cricket jump at you out of nowhere, when you try to dispatch the centi/milli-pede monstrosity from Hell. Fuck that.

That is all.

UPDATE

Finally got in touch with the friend I posted about on Tuesday. Things were bad, but not as bad as I feared. My apologies to anyone I may have been cold or distant towards, during the past week. I don't express being upset very well. I know I come off as an asshole and that's pretty much because I am...

But I'm trying to be better.

I can be selfish, too...

I am not blind to my own selfishness.

I know full well how much of what I do for others is more for me.

I understand how I've let others down by not fulfilling my own potential.

I have witnessed my own relationships bleed out because of my impatience with others.

I have bathed in the flame of my own disillusion because it was easier than explaining myself.

And I have fought with others who had seen through my own single-mindedness.

New Blog Feature....

I often find myself asking friends for ideas and suggestions for blog entry subjects, but I rarely get a response to my question. Now, I don't know if I have any regular readers, but I've added a gadget (Blogger Only) to allow visitors to message me directly with comments or suggestions. I hope it allows me the opportunity to blog more often and answer questions. Generally, I am an open book and there are only a few subjects that I cannot or will not respond to.

So... It's there on the right-hand side of the blog (Blogger Only) and anyone and everyone is welcome to make suggestions. Adios!

Getting to know you... Getting to know all about you...

Yes, I actually sang that while typing the title. There's some significance to it, though. I'm the type of person who thinks often about my previous mistakes, associations, relationships, and everything in between. With things as they are lately, I've been thinking more about previous relationships, why they didn't work out, and how to make sure this current thing is something that lasts.

So...back to that title. Yes, it's "Getting to know you" by Bing Crosby. And I believe that NOT doing as that song says is the number one reason why my previous relationships didn't work out. One was a raging alcoholic and I didn't take the time to learn about her to know that beforehand. Another was... ugh, she was something special. All the potential to be intelligent held back by levels of naivete that just boggle the mind. Kinda wish I knew that sooner, too.

Thankfully, that isn't likely to happen with my Cupcake. Because of the distance between us right now, she have plenty of time to get to know each other (hint, hint), while I prepare for the future. That's plenty of time to let each other know what irks us (hint, hint), what we expect from each other (hint, hint), and...well, I was going to say each other's little secrets, but we got that one down packed. (LOFL)

So there it is. We're both troubled in some ways for not being able to be together right this minute, but I WILL be taking advantage of the time and using it to OUR mutual advantage.

Now, I'm no old man yet, I think. I'm 36 years old and am willing to share my experiences and point of view on a few things; especially if it helps others. So remember this post and if you're single, then remember to get to know a person before trying to plant your ass somewhere it doesn't belong.

Peace and good health to anyone who's reading.

Changes...

Change. It can be a frightening thing for many people. I've never been a big fan of change. However, soon I will embrace it.

I am not happy. Home doesn't not feel like home. I've been growing more and more distant from friends; to the point where I only have two, locally. I can't find a job to save my life here. And I really just feel empty and unmotivated anymore.

Motivation is an important thing for me. I'm lazy. There's no way around that description. I have, however, found a new, loving motivator; my Cupcake. With just a few words from her I've been able to put down the cigarettes. With just a few thoughts of her, nightmares fade and I sleep like a baby. So for her, I will embrace change.

With everything going nowhere locally, I'm ready to move on, but only if with or for her. So I have made the decision... My new goal in bettering myself is to leave this place. I plan to turn my back on New Jersey and find myself elsewhere. I already know where the goal location is, but in the interest of keeping at least some things private...I won't say where. Not yet, anyway.

I can't set a specific date, yet, but I'm considering the proverbial countdown begun. It might be a while, but I'm coming, Cupcake.

Another dreadful feeling...

Very recently, I lost touch with a close friend. For her privacy/protection, I won't mention her name, but she has had a rough time with life and it's gotten her into some trouble over the years. Honestly, I do not know her whole story. I can only say that I have been proud to call her a friend and equally as proud to be someone she knew she can turn to. I love her dearly and consider her a little sister.

Apparently, she got into some sort of trouble and her last, public, post simply stated so and that she would be unreachable. I replied that, as a friend, I'd be waiting for her return and for her to not be a stranger. Within days, ALL of her social media accounts (that I'm aware of) have since been deleted.

I don't know what has happened and can only wish her well. She's shared quite a bit with me over the past year and I have a strong understanding of some of the hell she's been through. With that knowledge and the current events...I'm frightened for her. Especially after the cold and ominous message I finally received in reply that stated, "Yep, she ain't ever coming back."

(Forgot to screenshot it, but I was immediately blocked or the account deleted anyway.)

I hope to catch up with her again one day. More so, I hope that she is well...soon.

She is a younger friend and I've tried very hard to be a mentor and guide for her; especially since, it seems, too often, that no one else will. I have the proud knowledge of being told, in her own words, that she looked to me as a big brother and sometimes a father figure; to the point of her claiming that if not for me, she may not have been here as long as she has. She is like a sister to me and I miss her dearly, already.

I feel as though I have failed her. As though there was something more I could have done. I'm probably being hard on myself, but someone needs to be. This world is failing this girl and we all owe her our hands and help.

If you ever come across this, know that I'm still here for you.

My friend and sister, you will be in my thoughts.

Jersey will be my past...

EDIT: Ok, this post turned into more of a letter. My bad.

The title says it all. I have a new goal in life and I WILL see it through. It will, however, take some time. It's a big move and a big chance for me. It doesn't help that I've been out of work for a while, but I won't let that be an excuse to fail. I can't fail anyway. I've got the supreme motivator on my side... My Cupcake. Yup; her again.

Not that I needed any more motivation, as I was already planning to do this, but actually saying it to her and pointing out some of the roadblocks ahead makes it seem more like a step forward and less like a pipe dream.

Speaking of dreams... I wonder what tonight's dreams will hold. I often speak of not remembering my dreams, but in truth, I've been dreaming of her every night since February. More often than not, it's just some subtle romance, but you can never know.

Cupcake, if you're reading this, I love you. I can't set a date, yet, but Ishy's coming for you. Nobody and nothing will get in my way. If you believe in nothing else... Believe in me.

Love you, Cupcake

PS
Seems like we have tonight's conversation every now and again, huh? ;-P

Still Remains Lyrics by Stone Temple Pilots (Lyrics Video)

An old favorite of mine...

Almost A Full Week Smoke-Free

Late evening, Friday, June 26, 2015, I smoked what should be my last cigarette. Much of life is about motivation. Motivation is something I lack... severely. So, while having a few beers with my friend, Rick, I got onto Snapchat and snapped a picture of my cigarette and asked for some motivation.

And Motivation is exactly what I got...from a very special source. It's not much of a secret that I have a special someone in my life, who I only refer to as Cupcake, that I am very fond of. Snapchat is our chatting tool of choice and, of course, she responded to my public snap. It was short, sweet, and right to the point. She gave me my motivation and I didn't even need to be bribed. ;-)

That's it. That's all I needed. Oh, I'm sorry... Did you think I was going to show her face? Nah. That would defeat the purpose of hiding her name, Silly. Jokes aside, I've been doing very well with quitting. I've switched to vaping to start weaning myself off of nicotine, while immediately cutting out all that other crap they put into them any more. So I thought I'd post a progress report. The two images, below, should say it all, really.

 

As you can see, the initial health improvements that come from quitting are going just fine. On top of that, my initial investment in vaping will pay for itself by tomorrow. AND, by then, I'll have avoided 100 cigarettes. Feels like it should be more, but that's still great.

Here's to more time without smoking, being there when Cupcake needs me, and saving money... Because that's always... ALWAYS... nice, too.