The Beatles - And I Love Her (Official Video with Lyrics)

Well, it seems it finally happened. I wish I hadn't deleted the post when I predicted it. She met someone... I don't think there's anything else to say.

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."
- Venom Snake, "Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

Broken Mirror Reflection of Only Half a Man

I am me. Or what's left. I love you. I love me. I hate us, both. No, that's not for my Cupcake. It's not for an unnamed and relinquished love. It's for the world. It's for life. The post title... It's an old alias from the Myspace days. That's what I felt like at times. That's how I feel now.  Like I'm just waiting for things to end and be over.

I use to think that if I tried hard enough, that life could transform itself into something that would reward us for the pain we've endured. Or that it would otherwise make the struggle worth while.

In some ways, I still do. There's still my Cupcake. Things are different now, but there's still a strength to gain from her and (hopefully) to share with her. There's another certain someone, who won't be mentioned for now, that also has a strong ability to draw me in to thinking there's still a chance to live.

But I'm lost at times. Too afraid or too self-muted to call out. All I can do, for now, is breathe.

"I will not scatter your sorrow into the heartless sea. I will always be with you."

April 1st

April 1st, "April Fools"
Yeah, that sounds about right some times.

Goodbye?

The past two weeks have been a nightmare. We don't talk. Or rather, you don't reply. My words fell on deaf ears before, but not like this. For more than a moment, I thought... I believed things were changing for me. You made me feel so close to complete. I stood at the edge of oblivion and thought you were a light to guide me home. Instead, you blinded me just long enough for me to not see that I had already fallen. I don't know what I did to deserve that. Did I wrong you in a past life? For the briefest moment, I thought maybe you'd catch me for a change, but no... That was only a dream. Even now, I'm still reaching for you, knowing you're not there.

I don't think it matters any more. If I died tonight, I'd smile, knowing it's finally over.

Truthfully, even while hurting, I can't do anything less than love you.

You'll always have a piece of me.

But that piece is my foundation.

Without it... I can only crumble.

Always

Through thick and thin.
For better or for worse.
At your side or as you shield.
Until there's nothing left...

Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

Getting to know you... Getting to know all about you...

Yes, I actually sang that while typing the title. There's some significance to it, though. I'm the type of person who thinks often about my previous mistakes, associations, relationships, and everything in between. With things as they are lately, I've been thinking more about previous relationships, why they didn't work out, and how to make sure this current thing is something that lasts.

So...back to that title. Yes, it's "Getting to know you" by Bing Crosby. And I believe that NOT doing as that song says is the number one reason why my previous relationships didn't work out. One was a raging alcoholic and I didn't take the time to learn about her to know that beforehand. Another was... ugh, she was something special. All the potential to be intelligent held back by levels of naivete that just boggle the mind. Kinda wish I knew that sooner, too.

Thankfully, that isn't likely to happen with my Cupcake. Because of the distance between us right now, she have plenty of time to get to know each other (hint, hint), while I prepare for the future. That's plenty of time to let each other know what irks us (hint, hint), what we expect from each other (hint, hint), and...well, I was going to say each other's little secrets, but we got that one down packed. (LOFL)

So there it is. We're both troubled in some ways for not being able to be together right this minute, but I WILL be taking advantage of the time and using it to OUR mutual advantage.

Now, I'm no old man yet, I think. I'm 36 years old and am willing to share my experiences and point of view on a few things; especially if it helps others. So remember this post and if you're single, then remember to get to know a person before trying to plant your ass somewhere it doesn't belong.

Peace and good health to anyone who's reading.

Changes...

Change. It can be a frightening thing for many people. I've never been a big fan of change. However, soon I will embrace it.

I am not happy. Home doesn't not feel like home. I've been growing more and more distant from friends; to the point where I only have two, locally. I can't find a job to save my life here. And I really just feel empty and unmotivated anymore.

Motivation is an important thing for me. I'm lazy. There's no way around that description. I have, however, found a new, loving motivator; my Cupcake. With just a few words from her I've been able to put down the cigarettes. With just a few thoughts of her, nightmares fade and I sleep like a baby. So for her, I will embrace change.

With everything going nowhere locally, I'm ready to move on, but only if with or for her. So I have made the decision... My new goal in bettering myself is to leave this place. I plan to turn my back on New Jersey and find myself elsewhere. I already know where the goal location is, but in the interest of keeping at least some things private...I won't say where. Not yet, anyway.

I can't set a specific date, yet, but I'm considering the proverbial countdown begun. It might be a while, but I'm coming, Cupcake.

Jersey will be my past...

EDIT: Ok, this post turned into more of a letter. My bad.

The title says it all. I have a new goal in life and I WILL see it through. It will, however, take some time. It's a big move and a big chance for me. It doesn't help that I've been out of work for a while, but I won't let that be an excuse to fail. I can't fail anyway. I've got the supreme motivator on my side... My Cupcake. Yup; her again.

Not that I needed any more motivation, as I was already planning to do this, but actually saying it to her and pointing out some of the roadblocks ahead makes it seem more like a step forward and less like a pipe dream.

Speaking of dreams... I wonder what tonight's dreams will hold. I often speak of not remembering my dreams, but in truth, I've been dreaming of her every night since February. More often than not, it's just some subtle romance, but you can never know.

Cupcake, if you're reading this, I love you. I can't set a date, yet, but Ishy's coming for you. Nobody and nothing will get in my way. If you believe in nothing else... Believe in me.

Love you, Cupcake

PS
Seems like we have tonight's conversation every now and again, huh? ;-P

Words

Some of my biggest problems can be solved with just a few words. That's what she does for me. She gives me meaning. She gives me hope. And she soothes my heartache with just a smile. Our NOT being together involves words that I can not share... Not even here. However, one day... One day...

Until then...

And afterward...

She is my world and I will not live without her...

And so, I will keep waiting...

She's worth the wait.




PS
AGDLR... that... that is a lot of initials.

...

Speechless.

Dumbstruck.

Inexpressible.

Shattered.

Heartbroken.

Destroyed.

Broken

Alone.

Dead. Slow, torturous death.

Singular Focus/Obsession/Love

In terms of socialization, what is the difference between "Singular Focus," "Obsession," and "Love?" Seriously... How do we know the difference? And can either really be considered wrong? I hold a special someone in mind nearly every conceivable moment I can recall. Keep in mind that while we've both confessed a mutual love for one another, we are very far apart and can not truly be together at the moment. So perhaps it's simply the longing in the distance that keeps her there. Not to say that it isn't Love... That much, I assure you it is. I suppose that's just my way of claiming it isn't obsession, which I feel has a very negative connotation. Either way, really, I can't get her out of my thoughts... And I don't want to.

I'll keep waiting.

Selfishness

I have this poor trait that I really despise about myself. Selfishness. Not selfishness in all things, but in one particular area of my life that I hate admitting to. In a relationship, I am a mix of old fashioned and modern. I believe in loyalty and doing as much together as possible, but also in giving each other personal space and freedom to have our own friends and social outings. However, there's a quiet part of me that I keep to myself. When I'm in love, I give all of me to her. So when she's not around, a part of me is gone until she comes back. While it's gone, I silently and privately scratch away at myself (mentally) with each moment I'm not a part of her moments. It's not that I don't trust the woman I'm with at the time or that I suspect anything wrong is happening. It's selfishness. I quietly loathe the moments she's away. I don't like to share, even though I'm sharing the world with her. But I keep it to myself because she IS my world. I only live here.

Am I a hypocrite? Loneliness... Not so overrated?

Yes, I can be a hypocrite. Or maybe there's an exception to every rule. Or maybe it's just another one of those "live and learn" changes we all go through. I've said, in the past, that don't mind loneliness. Or least that I prefer it over the feeling of being depended on in a relationship. Maybe I was still hurt from the last one. I don't think so. I think perhaps I just found that "exception to every rule." I think about a special someone nearly every moment within every moment. I simply can't imagine things without her. The love is mutual, though I doubt she obsesses over me like I do her. In my defense, we're very far from each other. I don't mind time apart, but the distance... It's a killer.

Not enough to shake my faith in making a future work or to stop me from making life changes and sacrifices for that future, but enough to make me wish I was someone different... someone better... sooner. I know it's not healthy to beat one's self up over such unrealistic wishing, but it's just that; a little wish I can move on from. That's not to say that I can move on from her, just that I'm strong enough not to dwell too much on how things aren't; even if just barely so.

One day, though...

If she'll still have me, when things are better...

I'll be waiting...

Always waiting...

Long distance...

The hardest part of a long distance relationship (regardless of the type of relationship) is the waiting. Waiting to hear. Waiting to see. Waiting to know. Sometimes, waiting to wait.

It's like torture for some. That's probably why they rarely work. Ironically, waiting is like working and anything worth working for is worth waiting for. Worth putting your all into. Worth watching it all come to the goal we set for ourselves. So we wait.

Wait to hear.

Wait to see.

Wait to know.

Wait to wait.

And wait to be.

I'll always be waiting.