I don't enjoy life...

I don't enjoy life... I really don't. I appreciate it, but I don't know how to enjoy it. I'm too busy looking at others and thinking about how I wish I could make it better; for both them and myself. There's someone out there that I'll likely never have for myself, but I can't help but to wish I was there to make things better for. There are friends and family whose lives I wish I could help improve. And there's extended family that I wish I can just be more than who I am for.

I know... it's an old feeling and I'm far from being the first to feel this way. But if I don't let it out; I'll never be able to let it be.

A: I still love you. I really do.
R: Duuuuude, your ex is a supreme cunt. Like wow.
T: Fuck, I wish I was there to give you the right shove in the right direction.

(Yes, I rearranged that that semi-spell ART.)

My sisters... I still regret not being there for so many years of your lives. I know, as hard as I may try sometimes, that it may be time loss, but if you're reading this... I'm ALWAYS here for you. That's all four of you. Don't ever think that we can't talk because we're so far apart.

That is my rant for the night.

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

Another New Project to try...

I found the tattered folder of my old poetry. I've had quite a bit of writer's block for years and just gave up. However, in lieu of the writer's block, I think I'm going to try to convert all these old poems (regardless of how bad most of them are) into digital form. As I do, I'll share some of the better ones.

Mind you... "Better" doesn't necessarily mean "Good."

Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

UPDATE

Finally got in touch with the friend I posted about on Tuesday. Things were bad, but not as bad as I feared. My apologies to anyone I may have been cold or distant towards, during the past week. I don't express being upset very well. I know I come off as an asshole and that's pretty much because I am...

But I'm trying to be better.