Dead & Bloated - Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man, Part 2

And just like that... I'd be speechless if I wasn't screaming at myself for being so stupid. And the fit I threw... I haven't lashed out like this in well over a decade. I'll be adding more broken electronics to the trash tonight. I think I sprained my left wrist and index finger. That's the pointer, right?

Yesterday's post was full of Truth and Self Reflection...but today it feels cheap and disillusioned. I almost feel like that old persona; The Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man. And the greatest part... The punchline... I did it to myself... Again.

My hands are still shaking; as if to say, "You're not done punishing yourself, you fucking fool." I don't even think I'm going to bother sharing the story. Barely anyone fucking reads anyway. And the few who do...if they paid attention, they can figure it out. I feel this pain in my chest... Like I want to sigh, but there's no air left. The salt of my own tears is burning my eyes. And now I'm just left here with this mess I've made... Of myself and this "room"of mine.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man...

Broken Mirror Reflection Of What I Thought Could Be...

You know what? Just being perfectly honest.... Letting that out didn't feel nearly as good as I hoped.

Maybe one more tune...

Before I end this post... I want to make an important note. The fault lies 100% within me; not her. There's no love lost here and she will ALWAYS be my Cupcake. However, for the untold parts of the story...the mistake was mine. Love you, Cupcake.

Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man

Sometimes I forget my age... Some of the past. Old names and their meanings.

Let us go way back to Myspace. I think, in those days, I had some of the most creative names and online aliases. Some just "sounded cool," while others had deep, personal meanings. One of them has recently come to mind, though I'm not sure why. However, I remember some of its meanings and how they still will relate today.

The name? "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man." Yes, it's a bit of a mouthful. Some Myspace names were like that back then. I couldn't tell you what goes on there now.

During the time when I chose that name, I lost some good friends, in various manners. It also was feeling quite down on myself for a lot of little and not so little things; my weight, loneliness, that loss of friends, go-nowhere job, and feelings of failure and inadequacy. Some of those feelings still haunt me, but at the same time, they provide a degree of strength.

I was a...

• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who never could find fulfillment in the people around him. More often than not... I still can't.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who just wanted to be left alone. Many times, I still do.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who hated what he was and what be became when he tried to change. This time around, I'm much happier with who I am. Usually.
• Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man... Who longed for something he could not have. Again, I've moved on past this. In fact, I've found something better. #Cupcake

If that said, I'll hold on to "Broken Mirror Reflection Of Only Half A Man" because I like to think I held on to the better half. The half that grew into someone better. The half that got to be alone and found his peace. And the half that wanted more and found it. I've broken a few mirrors in my time, but what's left of them will still show the better half of a man-made better... Even if I don't always feel like it.

Fear

I do not fear Death. I repeat, I do not fear Death. I do, however, have some fears that hunt me from time to time. Generally, I keep them to myself, but since they've been disturbing my sleep cycle lately, I thought I'd share them and see if letting that out helps any.

My fears are few, but they are just strong enough to stab at my happiness from time to time. And they include:

• Flying
• Drowning
• Loosing touch with myself
• Loosing touch with the people who matter
• Evil fucking bugs that jump or have way too many legs

Flying/Drowning

I can not swim. I can not float. And I sure as hell can not hold my breath for very long. Flying is not the most peachy idea for me, either, but it's flying over water that really gets to me. I have yet to actually fly, but if I ever do, I would rather fly over land, so that if there is a crash, at least it's been a quick death on impact and not a slow surviving few moments before drowning in the ocean. Serious, there's only one thing will have me flying, if I can avoid it, and she knows who she is. (I swear, she's in every other post, but I love her, so it's all good.)

Loosing Touch With Myself

I like to think I am a mix of modern and old fashioned. I have many modern views, but hold to them with some very old fashioned standards. Many of the views I hold stem from various developing beliefs or experiences. One of my biggest fears is forgetting who I am and why. For instance, I love to help people, but we humans are horrible, horrible lifeforms some times. It is a test of patience to keep calm and patient with people. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the verge of forgetting who I am and reverting to the old me; the anger-filled and semi-violent me. The me without a care in the world. The self-serving asshole with an agenda within and agenda. I hated that me and I would like to consider him dead and buried.

Loosing Touch With The People Who Matter

This is another big fear of mine. Becoming who I am and staying me is not done without a special few people in my life and some who left it. Yes, some people have helped me by leaving. However, no one is perfect and even some of these people test me in ways that make me want to turn around and walk away some times. They're mostly good people at heart, but even good people can be self-serving hypocrites or benders of the truth; like those with shaky loyalties or "adaptable morals." In hindsight, maybe loosing some of these people would not be such a bad thing after all. Maybe some people really do serve a purpose and need to move on. Maybe I should move on.

Evil Fucking Bugs That Jump Or Have Way Too Many Legs

I use to love my scorpions and tarantulas, but that's where I draw the line. If it has more than eight legs or jumps...it must be killed with fire. Centipedes and millipedes are the closest thing to the devil this word has. And bugs, like spider-crickets, are their evil minions. There are few things worse than waking up to a centipede or millipede just a few feet from your head on wall and then to have a spider-cricket jump at you out of nowhere, when you try to dispatch the centi/milli-pede monstrosity from Hell. Fuck that.

That is all.

Changes...

Change. It can be a frightening thing for many people. I've never been a big fan of change. However, soon I will embrace it.

I am not happy. Home doesn't not feel like home. I've been growing more and more distant from friends; to the point where I only have two, locally. I can't find a job to save my life here. And I really just feel empty and unmotivated anymore.

Motivation is an important thing for me. I'm lazy. There's no way around that description. I have, however, found a new, loving motivator; my Cupcake. With just a few words from her I've been able to put down the cigarettes. With just a few thoughts of her, nightmares fade and I sleep like a baby. So for her, I will embrace change.

With everything going nowhere locally, I'm ready to move on, but only if with or for her. So I have made the decision... My new goal in bettering myself is to leave this place. I plan to turn my back on New Jersey and find myself elsewhere. I already know where the goal location is, but in the interest of keeping at least some things private...I won't say where. Not yet, anyway.

I can't set a specific date, yet, but I'm considering the proverbial countdown begun. It might be a while, but I'm coming, Cupcake.

My Atheism, Science, Ghosts, and the Soul...

I'm occasionally asked about my opinion on religion or to explain my atheism. Before I explain my own, personal, beliefs... Let me include these two short lists.

Atheism is NOT...

• Atheism is NOT a hatred of "God"
• Atheism is NOT a rebellion against "God" or Religion
• Atheism is NOT a Religion of its own making
• Atheism is NOT the Absence of Conscience

Religion is NOT or DOES NOT...

• Religion DOES NOT provide a provable or even probable explanation to any naturally occurring event found in existence today or ever.
• Religion IS NOT a compass for moral integrity
• Religion DOES NOT provide a reasonable outlook upon the world for the ethical treatment of our fellow men, woman, children, or the Earth itself
• RELIGION DOES NOT have the ability to defend itself against its own fallacies or contradictions

For me, Atheism is simply the ability to live life independently of (any) religion. It is the ability to do what is right simply because it is right and not for the benefit of following stigmatic dogma or socially accepted expectations. 

With that said, I'll move on to both Science and the Soul. I do not believe that believing in one automatically excludes the other from your life. On the contrary, I believe that Science may one day explain the Soul. I also believe that Einstein already touched upon it. After a little bit of research, this idea (which I'll explain in a little more detail momentarily), I formed my opinions and personal beliefs around some of Einstein's. I won't pretend to have researched enough to know that all of the quotes I found were genuinely his and, therefore, I will not share them. What I will share, however, are the beliefs that I, myself, hold.

Yes, I believe there is a Soul. However, I do not believe it is quite the same as what most religions preach. It is a known fact that our minds can be defined and described quite literally as a set of electrical impulses that flow through our Nervous System. That mind is that one thing that genuinely sets us all apart from each other and is what I would consider the Soul. Now, keep in mind (no pun intended) that our minds are ELECTRICAL impulses. Electricity is a form of energy. As we know, or have yet to disprove, energy CAN NOT be destroyed; it can only change form. So, when we find ourselves departed, what happens to that energy? If it can not be destroyed, then it has changed form as all energy does. Who is to say that we have discovered all the existing forms of energy? Our bodies eventually can no longer support our minds; we die and the energy is released. If there is an Afterlife, I believe it is whatever the mind/soul experiences in its new form.

Do you believe in Ghosts? I do. I do and it is because this theory brings another to point to be made. If our bodies are holding in this energy, then our bodies are natural, biological conductors and storage mediums. Let that sit a moment and remember that different forms of energy can be measured in various frequencies and wavelengths. I believe that we many consider to be "ghosts" are the residual (whether conscious or not) energies of those who have passed on before us. Our bodies must operate at a very specific frequency or other spectral measurement to contain our Souls. I think that people who see ghosts are individuals who have physically passed through the residual or conscious energies of another, whose energies may have been of a similar frequency of the living individual who experienced the phenomenon.

One final thought... for the sake of argument. Who is to say that some of these energies can not be collected or otherwise accumulated? Dancing more in the terms of fiction... who is to say that a conscious energy can not collect or otherwise empower it's self with the residual energies around it? And if so...if this being can become stronger in doing so, could it manifest itself more properly to those of us still live? Would there be a limit to the power it can manifest? If these were to be proven real, could these "ghosts" become "demons?"

Yes. My beliefs come with questions. That is a good thing. Without questions, we have no learning.

Selfishness

I have this poor trait that I really despise about myself. Selfishness. Not selfishness in all things, but in one particular area of my life that I hate admitting to. In a relationship, I am a mix of old fashioned and modern. I believe in loyalty and doing as much together as possible, but also in giving each other personal space and freedom to have our own friends and social outings. However, there's a quiet part of me that I keep to myself. When I'm in love, I give all of me to her. So when she's not around, a part of me is gone until she comes back. While it's gone, I silently and privately scratch away at myself (mentally) with each moment I'm not a part of her moments. It's not that I don't trust the woman I'm with at the time or that I suspect anything wrong is happening. It's selfishness. I quietly loathe the moments she's away. I don't like to share, even though I'm sharing the world with her. But I keep it to myself because she IS my world. I only live here.

Loveless? Loneliness Is Underrated.

     I like things. I like to observe friends, family, and strangers. I like to be in the background, most times. I use to like the idea of being in a relationship, though, like most people, I do often miss the physical warmth it brings. The contradiction there is that I hate to be touched. So many people around me are looking for that special someone. They feel incomplete without someone in their lives. Somehow, I do not. I do not feel that I need to have someone at my side anymore. As you may imagine, yes, it does get lonely some times. However, most times I find it to be just fine.

     I just don't see the point. Perhaps it is due to my goals...or lack there of. I don't particularly like children, so I have no intentions of having any of my own, though that is not to say that I can't love the child(ren) of a woman that I do grow fond of. I just don't want any of my own. And if I can skip the diaper years...even better. I've learned the hard way (hopefully without hurting anyone along the way) that while I like being useful, I don't like being depended on. And even more so, I want little more than to be able to lay my head down at night...alone...with only my thoughts. The company that being with a significant other is nice, but I prefer being insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

     I also find that most people tend to either live their lives selfishly, for their own childish desires and narcissism or they live their lives for someone else...thus diminishing their own self-value. Of course, there's also those who live properly, for self-fulfillment and empowerment, and some who manage to do this while living for another and finding fulfillment in the dying art of a Healthy Relationship. That would be what I view as the four of the five major types of people. The fifth, much like myself, walk the line of lively properly and being totally lost. While I do much of what I manage to do primarily for others, much of it is also my own attempt to find fulfillment...and I'd like to find it alone; without someone standing by and looking over my shoulder for me at every turn.

     Yes, that sounds like I'm mainly annoyed in relationships and that's probably because it's true. Yes, as social animals, we naturally crave a certain amount of attention or affection from those around us, but I would be lying terribly if I didn't admit that sometimes, I just don't care. I've grown (or weakened) from emotionally stolid to emotionally impotent. And I'm okay with that.

     Yes, I am lonely...but loneliness is underrated.