Once upon a time...

     I'm not one to give much relationship advice, unless someone is in an obviously bad relationship and needs reassuring that it's time to end it. Far too many of my friends have been in abusive, parasitic, or go-nowhere relationships. While I have not personally been in too many relationships of my own, I can at least say that a huge part of the reason why lies in the fact that I will not simply settle on what's in front of me or enter a relationship when I know I'm not ready to be in one. It was a hard lesson, but at least I haven't made that mistake a second time.

     I am very much NOT the person to give relationship advice, anyway. While I do miss the special (non-sexual) intimacy that comes with having a significant other, I find that I mostly appreciate being insignificant. I don't mind being depended on, but I loathe the expectations that come with it. I should admit, however, that much of this comes from the willful and utterly intentional promise of giving my all and then feeling, at times, that it's not enough. I know we can only do so much for another, but I often spread myself thin and wonder where do my needs begin and where hers end; whoever she may be at the time.

     It's partially a feeling of inadequacy and partially selfishness. Or maybe not selfishness, but that previously mentioned love of being insignificant. Sometimes I genuinely like being alone, unattended to, or unneeded. It's  like a paradox that hits me hard. Like running into a wall. I think the biggest doubt, sometimes, is in simply knowing that I built it myself. I love to love, but eventually find it overbearing and unnecessarily react as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders...because when I love someone, I love them wholly and want to give them perfection...even though I don't believe in such nonsense. I subconsciously make that my goal and then I fail. Or is the failure simply in making the attempt at giving more of myself than one can ever be? Yeah, that sounds about right.

     But as I said, I find a pleasure in insignificance. To quote Christopher Walken as Maximilliam Shreck in Batman Returns, "If my life has a meaning, that's demeaning." I've always loved that quote. I believe in it sincerely. We live, we die, and some believe repeat. I don't surely know about that last part, but I believe this much: more often than not, what one does in this life amounts to little. Life is meant to be lived for the joy of now and it need not be found living solely for another.

- Peace and Good Health to All.
- Ish

Oh my...

I don't always exorcize the demons... But when I do, I find myself a little out of shape. I sincerely feel like I ran a marathon last night. Where's some Icy Hot and a cold bottle of water when I need it?

In other news... I will likely be sleeping damn near all day. Zzzzzz

Um, hi.

I'm not quite sure what will be featured here. Eventually some of my old poetry will make it up. Maybe some random postings of interesting events, though I don't really do much. Vents, rants, etc. We'll see.

Bin Laden is gone?

Mock me if you will, but I'm just a little disgusted with my fellow American's reaction to the news of Bin Laden's demise. I'm I glad his is gone? Yes. But for too many of us seem more interested in the reaping of Vengeance as oppose to actual Justice. Does one man's death truly dictate victory? Some of my friends have posted dreadful thoughts about the potential for retaliation against our lands. So tell me...what do you fear most? A continuing battle? Or another great loss of our citizens?

Might be a little early for final thoughts, but who knows. Maybe I'll amend this later. I came to NY to help with the kids and house after a health scare with my Dad. The purpose was short-lived as he came home the night I got here and promptly returned to work. So it was more like a normal visit. As usual, there were positive and negative moments. A few bonding/semi-bonding moments with Catherine and Valerie. Stephanie is still young enough to just love being loved. Daniel's the only boy here, so I've noticed that he gets away with more than he would if there were more boys... a little more than I can appreciate. Amy is a subject of her own. Shamefully, try as I might, she just refused to find any real attachment with me...at all. I genuinely believe she's happy when I leave. I use to have the same issue with Valerie. Actually, when I left here last time, I was angry/hurt over Valerie's blatant appreciation of my leaving. However, I understand more now as small comments about their mother slip out in conversation. Rosa put them through Hell, especially Catherine and Valerie. And, I imagine, my Dad. A few times during this visit, Valerie slowly and cautiously opened up to me. She even shared some of her poetry with me. The earliest of them were the most touching. The ones about her mother. It's been said that she could use therapy or counseling. And, sadly, it shows in her writing as the subjects change. There is, however, still plenty of light showing through. I'm confident she'll be alright, though she might need a little guidance along the way. Now, Catherine, I'm particularly proud of. Like Valerie, she's been through Hell because of her mother. She's 18 now and has had to grow up earlier than she should have. She's still a little young-minded, but sometimes I think it's really just her personality type. She's a lot more caring and responsible than a lot of other people I know of the same age. I guess, lastly, is Richel. Not too sure what to say. I love her as I do my blood siblings. I laugh and smile. I do what I can to pretend I don't know that she's about more than she lets on. I just hope she manages to grow up before it's too late.

IJR

Hope is for Suckers (Haiku)

Hope is for Suckers Haiku
By: MdKnight (Ismael J. Rodriguez)

Hope is for suckers
If you don't know now you do
It all ends the same

Hope Is For Suckers

Hope Is For Suckers
By: MdKnight (Ismael J. Rodriguez)

There's no standing tall at five foot five
Lied to self with false pride
Just fake the smile or stand on toes
And all will go well or so we're told

But Hope is for suckers

Some lie to self far worse than I
When faced with truth they say goodbye
Entitled family but less then friend
Only there til the good times end

Yes, Hope is for suckers

Oh God forgive me as if you'd care
But then again you were never there
Stout little atheist with much on his plate
I leave no time for myths of Faith

Hope is for suckers